What My Future Looks Like: An Essay

What my future looks like is the subject of this essay, which I will not really edit. I have not thought about what my future looks like before I have started typing this essay. I think my future looks fairly good right now.

In my immediate future I can look forward to pleasure, boredom, and feelings of nothingness. In my immediate future I can look forward to ejaculating, drink water, type things that I will feel good about while typing them, talk to bros, Gmail chat, take pictures of things. I can see things moving forward and backward, behind me, and in my immediate future I will hear my roommate and friend talk about a Bergman film that is on behind me. In my immediate future I will go to sleep.

In my short term future I will work on a short story I am working on for creative writing class, and then I will hand out sixteen copies of said story. People will talk about my short story and I will look forward, maintaining a calm and serious facial expression that evokes nothing about my personality, my feelings regarding the story, or my feelings regarding my fellow classmates and the class in general. I will grin widely sometimes. In my short term future, I will talk to my girlfriend on the phone for a little while and I will be genuinely interested in what she is saying and I will reply accordingly in the kind of voice I don't use except talking to her, which is nice, complete, and overall more confident and positive than my voice regarding 99% of the rest of the world. In my short term future I will do Spanish homework, sit in the library, sit in classes around New York University, drink beer, watch 'Six Feet Under,' go to a concert, drink liquor, and have sex. In my short term future I can look forward to going to readings, playing 'Super Mario Smash Bros. Brawl,' listening to The Microphones, and working on my novel. I can look forward to reading Richard Yates, and in my long term future Richard Yates. What my short term future looks like is sleeping in and considering finishing reading Infinite Jest. I will see friends and other people, eat lots of carbs, cry but feel okay while doing it. In my short term future I will sit around mostly doing nothing, thinking about how I could be more productive, working on schoolwork, and contemplating things that I can't foresee having interest in at this time. My overall assessment is that I will be bored a lot but also having fun a lot -- I hope to ingest a lot of alcohol, say things in a loud voice, listen to Ghostface Killah's Fishscale -- and working on progressing my writing in some sort of formal setting beyond the Internet and beyond my own personal conceptions of self, style, and imitation. My short term future seems probably not that bad; life seems possibly bleak, but essentially and existentially sound and positive.

In my long term future I can see myself five pounds heavier with the ability to cultivate a healthy array of facial hair. I will have some degree from New York University, probably amounting to English and/or journalism with a minor in creative writing. I can see my interests remaining static, basic, and dull. In my long term future I feel like I will read a lot more literature and ignore a lot of other potentially good literature. In my long term future I will talk to people my age, older than me, and younger than me about literature, adolescent drug use, sex, alcohol, being tired and the pursuit of a successful and happy life. In my long term future I can expect to get less tied up in my own emotional state and pessimistic attitude. I expect that depression will probably be of less interest or concern to me and I will probably think things more like "I must work hard, advance my career, nurture the people and relationships around me," which will probably seem more important. In my long term future I will probably think more or less about death than I do now. In my long term future my conception of death will change from something to something and I will become more something regarding death. I can see myself becoming possibly more accepting, as well as possibly more fearful. In my long term future I will express myself from a detached state of mind, exploring mediums of youth and emotional experience; this will be from a mature, learned standpoint and will purely represent artistic expression -- rather than self-indulgent/self-involved. In my long term future I can see myself pursuing writing. I cannot see whether I will succeed or not. Honestly don't care right now about looking at my long term future in terms of success or failure. I expect to think the same way about things but from an altered approach.

In my distant future I can't see anything about myself. My wants and desires for my distant future seem to have nothing to do with what will happen. I expect to aspire toward existential solidarity. Suicide? Family? Chillin? Honestly, the distant future seems arbitrary and useless to think about. I just thought about how much I expect to ejaculate in the distant future; the answer seems entirely unpredictable.

Eventually I will die.

am i digging myself a hole

should i blog anymore

haven't been doing anything, really

BABY HEDGEHOGS AND AMERICAN APPAREL DOGS (DAVID FISHKIND, 2010)

BABY HEDGEHOGS AND AMERICAN APPAREL DOGS is a chapbook by me (david fishkind)

PAPAL $3 TO dfishkind@gmail.com FOR COPIES NOW AVAILABLE/SHIPPING

(email me for international orders)

IF YOU WANT TO REVIEW BHAAAD FOR A WEBSITE OR OTHERWISE, EMAIL ME AND I WILL SEND YOU A FREE COPY

I MADE A WEBSITE FOR BHAAAD SO THIS POST WOULDN'T GET ANYMORE ANNOYING

news re BHAAAD:

sep 2009 - begin book

nov 25 - edit book on train from nyc to new london, ct, listening to ghostface killah, 'knee-to-knee' with obese teenage girl

dec 9 - book announced

dec 10 - show first print draft of book to sister + brother-in-law in mexican restaurant in noho, drink dos equis

dec 12 - drink tons of coffee, work on second draft

dec 22 - work on second/third draft while in car with father from nyc to westborough, ma

jan 2 - print final draft copy on mother's home printer

jan 3 - mother secretly reads printed draft, tells me she likes it, i yell at her for reading it before has been formally released

jan 5 - announce preorders

jan 6 - take print final draft copy to staples for printing estimate, costs ~$400

jan 6-9 - print 75 copies of book on mother's home printer

jan 9 - staple first 3 consumer copies of book

jan 10 - staple ~72 consumer copies of book, 'personalized posters' sell out

jan 11 - hang out with nicole, print/sign/date 'personalized posters'

jan 12 - first preorders are shipped

jan 13 - solicit reviews

jan 14 - book reviewed by jimmy chen on htmlgiant

jan 15 - BHAAAD 'officially' released

jan 16 - 'triumphantly' return to nyc with 'athletic bag' full of copies of BHAAAD

jan 17 - drink 'wild turkey bourbon', promote book while drunk

jan 18 - walk around central park, 'romantically' thinking about eating ceasar salad

jan 19 - book briefly reviewed by bebe zeva

jan 20 - buy EWYFS from zachary german/sell BHAAAD to zachary german

jan 21 - do nothing

jan 22 - drink absinthe in washington pl bar, talk to big black drug dealer on street

jan 23 - walk by chloe sevigny on 3rd ave, maintain a 'steady' intl. sales rate

jan 30 - proof of 'buttercup mcgillicuddy's' existence surfaces -- stephen mcdowell orders copy of BHAAAD

music i most listened to while working on BHAAAD:

'supreme clinetele' - ghostface killah

'this is a long drive for someone with nothing to think about,' 'the lonesome crowded west,'

and 'the moon and antarctica' - modest mouse

'when you land here, it's time to return' - flake music

the shins discography

'since i left you' - the avalanches

'teen dream' - beach house

'enema of the state' - blink 182

'squatta's paradise' - choking victim

'the glow pt. 2' - the microphones

'microcastle' - deerhunter

'enter the wu-tang (36 chambers)' - wu-tang clan

'sweden' and 'heretic pride' - the mountain goats

neutral milk hotel unreleased/bootlegs

'panda bear' - panda bear

pavement discography

the top 100 albums of the decade according to david fishkind

1. Person Pitch – Panda Bear, 2007

2. In Rainbows – Radiohead, 2007
3. Funeral – Arcade Fire, 2004
4. Oh, Inverted World – The Shins, 2001
5. Michigan – Sufjan Stevens, 2003
6. † – Justice, 2007
7. Veckatimest – Grizzly Bear, 2009
8. Easy Beat – Dr. Dog, 2004
9. Up the Bracket – The Libertines, 2002
10. ( ) – Sigur Rós, 2002
11. Tanglewood Numbers – Silver Jews, 2005
12. Illinois – Sufjan Stevens, 2005
13. Good News For People Who Love Bad News – Modest Mouse, 2004
14. The Creek Drank the Cradle – Iron & Wine, 2002
15. Chutes Too Narrow – The Shins, 2003
16. Lifted – Bright Eyes, 2002
17. Takk... – Sigur Rós, 2005
18. Sea Change – Beck, 2002
19. Sung Tongs – Animal Collective, 2004
20. Kid A – Radiohead, 2000
21. Strawberry Jam – Animal Collective, 2007
22. The Moon & Antarctica – Modest Mouse, 2000
23. The Glow Pt. 2 – The Microphones, 2001
24. Neon Bible – Arcade Fire, 2007
25. Gorillaz – Gorillaz, 2001
26. Seven Swans – Sufjan Stevens, 2004
27. Get Behind Me Satan – The White Stripes, 2005
28. The Flying Club Cup – Beirut, 2007
29. Stankonia – Outkast, 2000
30. Heretic Pride – The Mountain Goats, 2008
31. Fever to Tell – Yeah Yeah Yeahs, 2003
32. Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not – Arctic Monkeys, 2006
33. Cripple Crow – Devendra Banhart, 2005
34. I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning – Bright Eyes, 2005
35. Our Endless Numbered Days – Iron & Wine, 2004
36. Beach House – Beach House, 2006
37. Mediocre Generica – Leftöver Crack, 2001
38. Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots – The Flaming Lips, 2002
39. Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga – Spoon, 2007
40. Bright Flight – Silver Jews, 2001
41. Ash Wednesday – Elvis Perkins, 2007
42. Niño Rojo – Devendra Banhart, 2004
43. I Am a Bird Now – Antony and the Johnsons, 2005
44. White Blood Cells – The White Stripes, 2001
45. Friends of Mine – Adam Green, 2003
46. Fate – Dr. Dog, 2008
47. New Magnetic Wonder – The Apples in Stereo, 2007
48. Apologies to the Queen Mary – Wolf Parade, 2005
49. Psychic Chasms – Neon Indian, 2009
50. Yellow House – Grizzly Bear, 2006
51. The Crane Wife – The Decemberists, 2006
52. Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust – Sigur Rós, 2008
53. Kala – M.I.A., 2007
54. The Coast Is Never Clear – Beulah, 2001
55. Russia – The Mystery Books, 2009
56. Giant – Herman Düne, 2006
57. Crystal Castles – Crystal Castles, 2008
58. Fuck World Trade - Leftöver Crack, 2004
59. Beach House – Devotion, 2008
60. Feels – Animal Collective, 2005
61. Fold Your Hands Child, You Look Like a Peasant – Belle and Sebastian, 2000
62. Gulag Orkestar – Beirut, 2006
63. Kill the Moonlight – Spoon, 2002
64. Is This It – The Strokes, 2001
65. The Moldy Peaches – The Moldy Peaches, 2001
66. Writer’s Block – Peter, Bjorn, and John, 2006
67. Robbers and Cowards – Cold War Kids, 2006
68. The Rhumb Line – Ra Ra Riot, 2008
69. Microcastle – Deerhunter, 2008
70. Since I Left You – The Avalanches, 2000
71. Satanic Panic in the Attic – of Montreal, 2004
72. Rejoicing in the Hands – Devendra Banhart, 2004
73. Guero – Beck, 2005
74. Wincing the Night Away – The Shins, 2007
75. Supreme Clientele – Ghostface Killah, 2000
76. Digital Ash in a Digital Urn – Bright Eyes, 2005
77. LCD Soundsystem – LCD Soundsystem, 2005
78. Gimme Fiction – Spoon, 2005
79. Logos – Atlas Sound, 2009
80. St. Elsewhere – Gnarls Barkley, 2006
81. Demon Days – Gorillaz, 2005
82. Fleet Foxes – Fleet Foxes, 2008
83. Until We’re Dead – Star Fucking Hipsters, 2008
84. All of a Sudden, I Miss Everyone – Explosions in the Sky, 2007
85. Post War – M. Ward, 2006
86. Little Joy – Little Joy, 2008
87. Toothbrush – Dr. Dog, 2003
88. Thought for Food – The Books, 2002
89. Yankee Hotel Foxtrot – Wilco, 2002
90. It’s Blitz! – Yeah Yeah Yeahs, 2009
91. We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank – Modest Mouse, 2007
92. A Sun Came – Sufjan Stevens, 2000
93. Under the Blacklight – Rilo Kiley, 2007
94. Hail to the Theif – Radiohead, 2003
95. The Libertines – The Libertines, 2004
96. Elephant – The White Stripes, 2003
97. Fevers and Mirrors – Bright Eyes, 2000
98. 18 – Moby, 2002
99. Real Emotional Trash – Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks, 2008
100. Highly Evolved – The Vines, 2002

HONORABLE MENTIONS
1. Building Nothing Out of Something – Modest Mouse, 2000
B-sides, doesn’t ‘technically’ count as an album… probably would’ve made top 8-15 had I decided to count it as an album
2. Arcade Fire EP – Arcade Fire, 2003
Struggled to decide if this was allowed to go on the list, decided it couldn’t because it was an EP, very deserving though
3. Live at Jittery Joes – Jeff Mangum, 2004
1997 live recording, seems really important somehow, but not really an album
4. Royal Tenenbaums Soundtrack – Various Artists, 2001
Really good, old songs compiled though, solid new tracks by Mark Mothersbaugh
5. Noise Floor (Rarities: 1998-2005) – Bright Eyes, 2006
Solid collection of songs that could not make any Oberst ‘album’
6. Lon Gisland – Beirut, 2006
Only an EP, but pretty damn good, decided not to include any EPs on list, but AnCo’s Fall Be Kind was also a really good EP from the decade
7. Live at Madison Square Garden New Year's Eve 1995 – Phish, 2005
I got really into this recording back in 2006, so good, don’t really listen to Phish anymore
8. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince – J. K. Rowling, read by Jim Dale, 2005
Easy to fall asleep to, reminds me of middle school/early high school years, calming
9. Universal Blues – The Redwalls, 2003
Simply didn’t make the list, was #101, deserves recognition, when I was really into the Beatles, I would listen to this album to feel like I was listening to more Beatles’ songs or something
10. Dark Night of the Soul – Dangermouse and Sparklehorse + Various Artists, 2009
Was unsure how to classify this, based on the use of various artists, etc, very nearly made list, but did not
11. Teen Dream – Beach House, 2010
Technically came out in January 2010, but leaked onto the internet sometime in November 2009, seems like it definitely would’ve made this list, but by the time 2020 comes around, I probably won’t find it relevant, interesting, or possibly even good enough to make a list
12. Hot Fuss – The Killers, 2004
Funny-ass/good album, I like this album I guess a lot sometimes and not at all other times, should’ve made the list, but didn’t at all

the best tracks/albums of 2009 according to david fishkind

top 30 tracks

1. two weeks - grizzly bear -- seems like one of the catchiest songs of the past ~1-20 years,ridiculously catchy hook, seems really funny/great, sang this song while driving a lot last summer

2. you are the blood - sufjan stevens -

- epic sufjan song, electric but also folky, transcends genres, sweet hook

3. 6669 (i don't know if you know) - neon indian -- damn, peak of chillwave imho, in car listened to this going to places with bros, seems to bring people together

4. what would i want? sky - animal collective -- anco's comeback song from poppy synth rock or something, heard that it was the first song ever to use a licensed grateful dead sample, seems important possibly

5. norway - beach house -- feels like 'we were lucky' this song came out in 2009, seems like beach house really dominates some market of writing and style and just overall lo-fi chiller aspect that exists somewhere between chillwave and pop and conceptual alt, seems like they will be around for a while and this song helped entrench that idea

6. shampoo - elvis perkins -- heard this song live summer 2007 and searched all over the internet for 18 months for a recording, was really psyched when it came out

7. hysteric - yeah yeah yeahs - damn, was really surprised by this song, showed that yeah yeah yeahs can do more than like really distorted 90s-ish rock, was impressed, really catchy-ish

8. shot in the back of the head - moby -- best moby song to come out in really long time, really sweet, great video, seems really mature and intense for moby or something

9. walkabout - atlas sound (w/ noah lennox) -- seems like an intense team-up of altbros, really happy when this song came out or was put on gvsb or whatever

10. utterly confused - the mystery books -- seems like nobody really knows about the mystery books except for the little promotion they have via tao lin, etc, seems like a really really powerful folk band, catchy, really sad music, good to cry to, read my review of the mystery books' album 'russia'

11. jaykub - danger mouse and sparklehorse (feat. jason lytle) -- good song, not much to say overall maybe, just really like listening to it

12. so bored - wavves -- really great poppy buzzbandy style, really intense song that is just all around fun to listen to

13. while you wait for the others - grizzly bear -- second grizzly bear song on this list, damn, lots of OOOoooOOooOos in this song, seems like a 'veckatimest' trademark possibly

14. an orchid - atlas sound -- sad song, really lo-fi, second atlas sound song on this list, damn

15. satellite skin - modest mouse -- b-side song, really good, doesn't remind me of anything modest mouse has really released before, seems like a more mature modest mouse, pretty intense at times, also pretty chill at times

16. well-alright - spoon -- seems really good, catchy, simple, not connected to any release, seems like a powerful thing to release on a compilation album ('dark was the night')

17. guys eyes - animal collective -- one of the only really great songs connected to 'merriweather post pavillion,' panda bear, sad, lovey-dovey, hehe

18. feel it all around - washed out -- second pure chillwave song on this list, great sampling, sampling is pretty much what makes this song good

19. blake's view - m. ward -- sad 'fucking' song, pretty basic acoustic folk, pretty solid overall guess

20. snookered - dan deacon -- slower/sadder song than anything on 'bromst,' impressed me a lot more than anything else on the album, just seems really passionate maybe, more-so than other deacon

21. the sparrow looks up at the machine - the flaming lips -- one of the few really great songs on the new lips album, not much to say about it really

22. kiss my name - antony and the johnsons -- surprised how long this song ranks w/r/t this list, kind of sad about that bc i really like this sad, really fucking sad tranny diva song i guess

23. no dice - beirut -- basically felt like an electro-pop remix of a highly produced beirut baltic folk song, which is really funny, really nice to drive to imho

24. arcadie - peter doherty -- remember when this song was just a demo like 1000 years ago, really happy doherty recorded a solo album, this song is not as good as its demo version, but still powerful in its own right

25. actor out of work - st. vincent -- good single, not much else to say from me

26. pon de flor - major lazer -- funny song, funny video, funny live, really powerful electro track this year

27. deadbeat summer - neon indian -- forgot about this song when i said that washed out had the only other purely chillwave track on this list, seems like chillwave is dead now, it had a good run, a really good summer

28. that night with the green sky - the mystery books -- never heard a band cover a poem, seemed really good, one of my favorite tao lin poems i think, one of my favorite mystery books songs, really good bass in this song, read my review of the mystery books' album 'russia'

29. written in reverse - spoon -- got me psyched for new album yall

30. these are my twisted words - radiohead -- damnnn, seriously thought they'd all retire after 'in rainbows,' heard they have a new album coming out next year, seems intense, this song isn't great, but i like it still

top 20 albums

1. veckatimest - grizzly bear -- really just the best album of the year, feels obvious, one of the best albums of the decade, lots of harmonizing and really original riffs, powerful tracks, insanely catchy, so much pop-sensibility went into this record

2. physic chasms - neon indian -- truly the one and only great chillwave album to come out, i really loved this album when it first leaked back in august, still love it, gets me feeling very calm yet also sweet and excited

3. russia - the mystery books -- will this make anybody's top albums of the year list? i hope it does, but it won't, one of the best acoustic folk records to come out in the decade, strong, powerfully depressing songwriting, original vocals, all that stuff, really really good, read my review of the entire album

4. logos - atlas sound -- damn

5. it's blitz! - yeah yeah yeahs -- wow, damn, transcendent, moving beyond what yeah yeah yeahs can be expected to do, hope they keep changing their sound/image, hope they continue to stay around, sweet, read my review of the entire album

6. dark night of the soul - danger mouse and sparklehorse -- did this album ever actually come out? listened to it on npr website, then downloaded it, seemed like it had a powerful lineup of artists on each track, every track just seems slightly 'timeless'

7. fall be kind - animal collective -- really strong comeback after big letdown of 'mpp,' five anco tracks that prove they can continue to change their sound/image with every release, hope for the next few years they just release eps, then make a huge full-album comeback or something

8. march of the zapotec/holland - beirut -- seemed really overlooked, basic beirut stuff, funny folky stuff with funny electro-pop stuff, why wouldn't people like this album? i did

9. elvis perkins in dearland - elvis perkins -- seemed really overlooked, seems like this album should've received as much praise as his debut, predict it will go under as a low profile release and when he returns for a third record perkins will become a more established folk-rock artist

10. wavvves - wavves -- hehe

11. actor - st. vincent -- damn, she fucking came out of nowhere, not really, but still, pretty good release, seemed like she blew up a few months after its release, seems catchy/poppy, lots of pop-sensibility and ability went into this

12. the crying light - antony and the johnsons -- good album, antony hegarty demonstrates he can keep putting out sad songs about his sexuality and the world around him and love, etc

13. no one's first and you're next - modest mouse -- b-sides from the 'float on' era, not as good as it should be, but still pretty good

14. embryonic - the flaming lips -- kind of a letdown when you think about it, idk why pitchfork gave it a 9, seems good, but possibly worse than every flaming lips release save 'at war with the mystics'

15. wait for me - moby -- best moby release since '18' imho, fun, catchy, whatever

16. grace/wastelands - peter doherty -- really exciting for people who liked libertines/babyshambles/early doherty when he was still called 'pete' instead of 'peter,' seemed not amazing, but nice and solid, a comeback look for the british crackhead/heroin-addict bisexual model kind of violent kind of sad poet bro

17. hold time - m. ward -- damn, liked this album more at the beginning of the year, predicted it would rank higher in this list, but nah, still pretty good

18. real estate - real estate -- haven't listened to this album 'a ton,' but seems like a really solid debut release, bros from new jersey, hear they have a powerful aesthetic via live performance

19. merriweather post pavillion - animal collective -- biggest letdown of the decade re music possibly, idk why people liked this album so much, seemed pretty shitty overall, too poppy, anti-conceptual, basically just stupid mostly, huge flunk for anco, but like if it was released by a different band it would be pretty good, that's why it still ranks

20. the life of the world to come - the mountain goats -- religious? damn, nowhere near as good as 'heretic pride,' big drop from last year, but good album, yeah, pretty not bad, pretty good

artists/bands: a decade in david fishkind's music preference

2000 - i don't remember what music i was into, 3-4th grade, liked baseball a lot, thought ren and stimpy should not have been cancelled, played a ton of madden '00 and triple play '01, remember listening to the bloodhound gang and nelly on the radio

2001 - got really into blink 182 and green day, pretty much all i listened to, my favorite album at this time was 'enema of the state'

2002 - got really into ludacris, gorillaz, afroman, and outkast, thought will smith was 'really gay,' started listening to boxcar racer and new found glory

2003 - wanted to rebel against what the 'mainstream' people were listening to, got into loud bands like godsmack and afi, also listened to early emo stuff like saves the day, thursday, something corporate, thrice, the used, dashboard confessional, and brand new

2004 - started listening only to red hot chili peppers for a little while, got reignited with early childhood passion for the beatles, was given led zeppelin box set by a friend, listened to every album nonstop for about two months, pink floyd, bob marley, smashing pumpkins' 'mellon collie and the infinite sadness,' the cure's 'disintegration,' the white stripes

2005 - ska bands like mighty mighty bosstones + big d and the kids table, the killers, cake, the clash, the ramones, the sex pistols, local bands like once-ler and one eyed stanley, phish, rage against the machine

2006 - started smoking weed/drinking alcohols, 'finally' 'got into' bob dylan, simon & garfunkel, the velvet underground, devendra banhart, dr. dog, elvis perkins, nick drake, the shins, listened to only radiohead for about two months, sufjan stevens, iron & wine, spoon, got really into the libertines/babyshambles/peter doherty, the flaming lips, adam green, moldy peaches, peter bjorn & john, first heard about 'crack rock' bands choking victim and leftover crack, cold war kids, daniel johnston, david bowie, herman düne, the decemberists, elliot smith, beck, moby, gnarls barkley, fiona apple, told a lot of bros that the way to get with girls was the play the 'garden state' soundtrack, totally seemed to work

2007 - arcade fire, bright eyes/conor oberst, started to get into conceptual stuff like animal collective + deerhoof stuff, neutral milk hotel, arctic monkeys, discovered and got ridiculously into the beach boys' 'pet sounds,' the zombies, wu-tang clan, erik satie + claude debussy piano chillers, nas, silver jews, pixies, rilo kiley, the 'rocky horror picture show' soundtrack

2008 - got a girlfriend, got into highly acclaimed/well reviewed bands, justice, crystal castles, the books, the microphones, modest mouse, the mountain goats, antony and the johnsons, beirut, sigur rós, beach house, fleet foxes, got really into panda bear/'person pitch', beulah, joy division, little joy, pavement, ra ra riot, had already listened to but got really into weezer's 'blue' and 'pinkerton,' wolf parade

2009 - didn't get into yeah yeah yeahs til this year, got really pissed off at anco re 'mpp' but then forgave them re 'fall be kind,' violent femmes, chillwave thing for a lil, got more into crack rock, johnny hobo/wingnut dishwasher's union, deerhunter/atlas sound, wavves, contacted/really got into the mystery books/joseph moore, grizzly bear, of montreal, the apples in stereo, random fucking bands that i saw at shows and never listened to again, i just liked drinking beer and chilling mostly this year, bein a froshy college broooo, music 4 life, music 4 evr

was 2006 my most important year of getting into music? seems like i got into a ton of important/relevant artists/bands that year

did drugs/alcohol inspire me to listen to indie more or was it more important having a gf who turned me on to major/relevant conceptual bands/artists in 2008?

or is 2007 the most important year re anco, arcade fire, bright eyes, neutral milk hotel?

2006-2008 seems to establish which bands i will continue to be into for the next 5-35 years.

seems like i'm not really getting into new bands as much anymore, but mostly living off the continued releases of my favorite bands from sophmore-senior years of high school.

still listen to like 99% of the bands listed from 2006-2008.

stay tuned for more decade/2009 stuff yall. i love yall all.

movies: decade + 2009 + avatar

it was a pretty good decade for movies

the top 20 movies of the decade according to david fishkind:
1. the royal tenenbaums, 2001 - sweet movie, felt really engaged, have watched it like 30 times, still really into it

2. mulholland dr., 2001 - kind of looks like 'mulholland doctor' when i type it out, really good movie, technically better than royal tenenbaums overall, 'fucking sweet and stuff,' sexy lesbo scenes, honestly don't know how one doesn't get into this movie, it's fucking intense

3. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, 2004 - yeah, i like this movie, it's good, seriously bros

4. there will be blood, 2007 - really good movie, funny ending, funny/really fucking good acting, shocking and like funny and depressing and like a deaf guy bitches at daniel day lewis

5. no country for old men, 2007 - violent and good

6. kill bill: vol. 1, 2003 - violent and good

7. the squid and the whale, 2005 - really strong/relevant film re indie families, kind of like a more real royal tennies maybe, masturbation scenes, brooklyn stuff, tennis, good

8. me and you and everyone we know, 2005 - thought it was really shitty when i first saw it, rewatched and really really liked it, really awkward/depressing/intense, no-name actors, cyber sex, bjs, perversion, 'modern art,' ))<>((

9. ken park, 2002 - really sexual, possibly pornographic, slightly 'avant-garde,' banned in america, england, australia, new zealand, 'controversial,' funny, intense, really korine/clark style

10. antichrist, 2009 - seemed really good, violent, scary, mutilation, possibly 'avant-garde,' wish i made this movie

11. palindromes, 2004 - intense, funny, protagonist's actress keeps changing, fat black chick, jennifer jason leigh, pedophilia and stuff

12. 2046, 2004 - sad/good/chinese

13. adaptation, 2002 - good movie, before spike jonze was too pretentious, before charlie kaufman was too pretentious, solid, funny, nick cage

14. the science of sleep, 2006 - sweet movie, fun/funny, second movie to make top 20 with charlotte gainsbourg in it

15. in the mood for love, 2001 - sad/good/chinese

16. the departed, 2006 - intense movie about boston with cool boston references + sweet violence + mob stuff, 'don't move until your numb' sex scene

17. margot at the wedding, 2007 - really pretentious filmmaking, funny that jack black is in it, funny that nicole kiddman is in it, autistic/aspergery kid(s), jennifer jason leigh poops pants, heheheh

18. fantastic mr. fox, 2009 - seemed really good, read my review or something

19. nights and weekends, 2008 - ifc, pretentious sort of, seems really real, solid dialogue, i think there was penetration in this, 'mediocre-looking'/natural/intense people

20. donnie darko, 2001 - feel like this is only good if you watch the director's cut, seems cheesy, but also like 'timeless,' fucking funny at times, gun, bunny, plane, i like the fourth dimension, depression, masturbation, perversion, etc

also 20. requiem for a dream, 2000 - i view this movie as essentially equal to donnie darko in its cheesy-ness/'timeless'-ness, seems like it never gets old, has a sweet niche audience, i like the representation of drug-use, etc, pupil dilating, sounds and stuff, whatever, these probably aren't actually my top 20 movies of the decade, but i thought about it for a while and it feels honest and true for the moment at least

overall, i feel unsure about how to rank this year for movies, some okay

the top 10 (?) movies of 2009 according to david fishkind:

1. antichrist - seemed really good, violent, scary, mutilation, possibly 'avant-garde,' wish i made this movie
2. fantastic mr. fox - seemed really good, read my review or something
3. district 9 - seemed really shocking and intense, really engaging, drank a lot of beer after seeing this i recall
4. a serious man - seemed targeted toward jews yet accessible for anyone, dark dramedy or whatever
5. inglorious basterds - seemed overrated overall, but still good
6. tokyo! - seemed really re weird michel gondry film + sewer bro + hikikomori, read my semi-review
7. mystery team - seemed really impressive re budget + derrick comedy bros + sundance, not incredibly funny, just pretty strong movie overall
8. coralline - seemed good in 3d, saw it with gf for a lot of money at union square, seems like henry selick has mad talent animation-wise
9. brüno - seemed funny re penis shots

10. star trek - idk why i liked this, maybe i didn't really, it was a shitty year for movies overall

WTF IS UP WITH 'FUCKING' ' WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE'??????//?

wtf is up with 'the hangover'?

wtf is up with 'up in the air'?

wtf is up with 'avatar'?

i saw 'avatar' a couple days ago. i honestly felt like i owed it to myself societally. it seemed really bad overall, but i found myself enjoying in some strange way. i did not even leave to go to the bathroom. seemed overall to be an elongated version of 'fern gully' minus tim curry music. basically just seemed really ridiculous. the native alien people had really distorted bodies, they were like eight feet tall and had really skinny waists and really big shoulders. they were blue and the women kind of had titties but you didn't get to see their nippies. they rode dragons and connected their hair to animals and plants to 'connect with their spirit' or something. the main character eventually turns into an alien through the power of the alien god. he like betrays all of humanity, which is on the brink of destruction re earth, so that he can tap some booty and walk again (he was paraplegic). funny/shitty/'fucking terrible' dialogue and ridiculously cliche plot line. there was a line in the movie where this bitch goes 'i'm a scientist; i don't believe in fairy tales.' the acting was really bad and there was a song in it that sounded exactly like 'my heart will go on.' james cameron like actually spent twenty years thinking about/developing this movie. but i mean, all in all, throughout all this 'shit' i was still really into the movie. found myself at the edge of my seat, 'seriously engaged.' i really wanted the 'good guys' to win and they did and i like was into watching the action and the animals and landscape and stuff. i was sad when 'sad' things happened and pumped when 'sweet' things happened. when i left, i was just like wow, did i hate that movie or love that movie. seems like it will probably win oscar for best picture or something ridiculous like that. but whatever.

year/decade's end

today is the first day of the last week of the year/decade

seems intense that a year ago at this time i was just another bro, chillin with my gf and visting her family for the holidays

seems intense that 10 years ago at this time i was a little boy, sitting around my house in indiana, drawing pictures of old people in nursing homes watching tv with the caption '2000 here i come'

now, i'm like, in connecticut, not at my house, feeling similarly maybe

in this final week of this year/decade a frequenter of this blog can look forward to david fishkind's opinions re music and movies that have come out in the last 1-10 years

tomorrow, dec 26: i will post about my favorite movies of the year and decade

dec 27: i will post about my favorite artists/bands of the decade
dec 28: i will post about my favorite tracks/albums of the year
dec 30: i will post my top 100 albums of the decade, hoping to gain mad-hits and some good 'shit-talking'

today is christmas. i used to celebrate christmas and chanukah when i lived in indiana.

i used to be non-denominational for like the first 8-9 years of my life. then my parents decided that we should 'be something.' my mom converted to judaism and so did my sister and i. we had to get naked in like a jacuzzi and have a baptism sort of thing. the jacuzzi was cold. i feel lucky that i was prepubescent and not very self conscious. seems like if i had to do that today, i would be really upset.

not sure what i'll do today. i will probably read 'infinite jest' and eat chinese food, while listening to neutral milk hotel bootlegs and stuff.

merry christmas everyone and get pumped for forthcoming decade/year posts or something

The Subculture of Internet Literature: Homology and Style

A subculture is a group having specific patterns of behavior that set it off from other groups within a culture or society. A subculture is a ground for the sharing of common ideas, interests, and approaches, with collected intentions and goals for the exchange. It can redefine a society’s direction, political struggle, or artistic appreciation, approach, and style. Style in a subculture is behind every facet of a particular movement or collective. Style in literary theory works to augment and distinguish writers. It reflects the mindset of a time in history or a group of people. It suggests the importance and significance of society’s direction. Subculture is the building block behind any movement, theory, and style.

In 1979, Dick Hebdige wrote a book for the Birmingham Center for Contemporary Cultural Studies. It was called Subculture: The Meaning of Style, and it took a new stance on cultural studies, examining a cultural phenomenon not for the mainstream, but for the rejects of society. Conventional citizens abhorred punk culture and were abhorred by punks uniformly. Subculture, Hebdige defines as, “in the expressive forms and rituals of those subordinate groups.” Punks separated themselves through ridiculous dress with “shirts covered in graffiti, or fake blood; the ties left undone,” safety pins worn through the “cheek, ear or lip,” “Rapist masks.” Their dance lacked all social convention, dancing alone, jumping wildly in place or with a partner of the same sex; punks mocked all sense of societal congruity. Magazines and other publications were produced and distributed for punks by punks. These periodicals lacked any formal sense of writing or journalistic ability and were designed with negative views toward these establishments in mind. Poorly put together and riddled with profanity they marked the obvious derisive nature of their creators and audience. Of course, all of this was centered around the music, which was called “uniformly basic.” Crude, simple, and straightforward, the punks reveled around poorly constructed chords and rhythms, heavy beats, and angry screaming, they were essentially talentless musicians. Lyrics were rebellious, profane, and ridiculous at times. Hebdige makes that not for punks, “perverse and abnormal were valued intrinsically.”

It is no surprise why this group of ruffians and deriders came to refer to their style as “punk,” which brings to definition such synonyms as “mean and petty villainy,” “rotten,” and “worthless.” However, the punks were more than just a group of louts, running around and creating chaos for the world. They were uniform in their actions, and they developed their own take on society. With subculture came style. A style formed through “homology” as Hebdige puts it. Thus the anarchy and subterranean qualities of the punk movement are only the basic foundations of an oh-so-greater meaning to their approach. Homology is used “to describe the symbolic fit between the values and lifestyles of a group, its subjective experience and the musical forms it uses to express or reinforce its focal concerns.” And here, one begins to understand the central point to the punk’s interest. He is angry at the system and apathetic to the feelings and judgments of others. He is breaking down the way the public views certain dress and demeanor and building it up into a new mechanism for himself. He is fueled by your hate because he hates you back. Punk is the disaffected, disengaged, alienated youth, facing the long past, yet present Victorian undertones of England in the mid-twentieth century. “Poverty was being parodied, the wit was undeniably barbed that beneath the clownish make-up there lurked the unaccepted and disfigured face of capitalism.” Their only interest was to shock and disturb and punks defiled bodies with offensive imagery such as superfluous piercing and sporting swastikas. Though they were not a racist, anti-Semitic, or homophobic group, such measures worked to disturb and upset common people, achieving the punk’s goal. Hebdige claims, “The punk culture, then, signified chaos at every level, but that was only possible because the style itself was so thoroughly ordered.”

It is interesting now, thirty years later to look back on this analysis and commentary on the punk movement. The subculture briefly discussed above is all but gone; however, its legacy survives. It is entrenched in musical and social history due to its significant commentary on society and its largely innovative and powerful take on style. Homogeneity in approach and attitude entrenched a common feel and goal among the group. A subculture was formed with the intention of dismantling established mediums for art, self, and expression. The desire of the punks to push against the boundaries of what defines good lifestyle was manifest in appearance and mindset. Their misplaced hatred, their apathy, their need for chaos, anarchy, and new order all were built together in a social, even antisocial, establishment, defining a style unique to a specific interest and pursuit of that subculture. Their goals and approach unified, the group was then able to establish a lasting effect and reflection upon society through an artistic movement.

Years after the emergence of punk subculture, the Internet exploded, creating an open outlet for virtually any person, group, idea, or motive. By the mid-1990s there were websites and forums for anything one could be interested in. Today there are thousands times more. Googling the word “punk,” one finds himself with about 104,000,000 results. It is easy to think about how the emergence of a subculture can so easily build its way up from the Internet. Information and ideas are passed so quickly, and bounced off one another, it was only a matter of time before thousands of small, tight-knit groups would be formed, sharing basic appeal, ideals, and approaches to a similar pursuit or interest. Such a social unit that developed quickly and with increasing interest on the Internet was one that had existed for centuries: literature.

Internet literature can be said to have its foundations established in the world of blogging. Originally referred to as a “weblog,” the blog became one of the easiest and most appealing mediums to share ideas and writing with the entire world. The most basic form of blogging began in the late 1990s. Writers and journalists, trained and completely unknown alike began to post basic commentaries up on the Internet. Early blogs took the form of diaries, news editorials, and basic communication forums. Soon, they grew to large communities of readers and writers conversing, sharing opinions and developing relationships. With the establishment of large blogging websites such as WordPress and Pyra Labs, later bought by Google and changed to its current name Blogger, it was easy for anyone to have a blog, without having to learn complex computer languages. Blogs became an outlet for a much greater extension of users, as well as a greater extension of uses. The emergence of the common man’s blog allowed anyone and everyone to feel free to write whatever they wanted. Soon, poets and prose writers alike were using blogging forums to get their writing out to the public without having to go through any of the grueling processes of submitting to journals or publication houses or editing work against the critique of a publisher.

Not long after the establishment of an easier blogging community came the demand for more means by which work could be viewed. Blogs were created for the purpose of publishing the literature of Internet writers and for working to get the names out of talented and ambitious writers, mostly young and new to the field, out to a large audience without the costs of print publication or advertisement. The number of writers grew and the size of the audience for Internet literature followed suite. Soon there were a number of strong literary outlets with foundation in the Internet, including McSweeney’s Magazine’s Internet presence, built off the success of the literary journal, as well as purely Internet literary websites, such as Word Riot, Pindeldyboz, and Eyeshot. Writers began to create communities within the greater blogging and Internet literary communities, associating themselves with specific websites, blogs, and writers that they liked and liked them. Thus no single Internet literature subculture, under the terms and discussion set forth by Hebdige, was formed, but rather dozens were formed, all with different interests, approaches, and views on style. The Internet literary subculture focused on specifically in this essay is just one of these many, and it is difficult to nail it down to one single term. However, one may see the greatest of its compiled interests lying in two relatively recent blogs: writer and Internet-personality Tao Lin’s “Reader of Depressing Books,” also known as “heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com,” and the collected contribution-based commentary of editor Blake Butler and administrator Gene Morgan’s “HTMLGIANT.”

“Reader of Depressing Books” began in May of 2005 after Tao Lin graduated New York University’s College of Arts and Sciences. He had become involved with creative writing while attending the university, publishing work on the Internet, and in print, as well as receiving the school’s prestigious Seth Barkas Prize in Creative Writing. The blog began as simple reviews and reflections on literature, namely depressing literature according to Lin. However, not long after, it became a place to showcase his online literary career and promote his career in writing in general. His comments section of each post became a place for either praise or “shit-talking” (a phrase commonly used by Lin and other Internet writers for criticism), and he established a strong online following, developing relationships with other writers and interested readers of his work. His fellow writers and readers shared a common view on life as a bleak, ironic, and frequently hilarious thing.

Lin’s first book of poetry you are a little bit happier than i am was published in November 2006. It consists of poems that were largely published over the Internet before Action Books picked it up. The Internet was not only used in promoting and establishing the poetry, but also seems to underlie a good deal of its content. The pervading sense of alienation, loneliness, and sardonic characteristics in Lin’s writing may be a product of the structure of the Internet as a reflection of modern youth culture. Generation Y was the first generation to be fully exposed to the Internet while they were still young and largely impressionable. The act of surfing-the-web seems similar to the act of exploring a library or a volume of encyclopedia or reading through an anthology; however, one can experience all of this information at once, at a greater speed, from the safety of his small dark room. One may also compare the Internet to a completely new and improved social mechanism; however, social interaction on the Internet is not the same as social interaction between two people face-to-face. The alienating and lonely characteristics of the Internet define an entirely new view on reality for the youth that began its experience in the late 1990s.

“Reader of Depressing Books” is as much a reflection on depressing literature as it is on the depressing nature of the technological era. Lin’s July 2005 post titled “writing and the internet and my novel” is a detached list of tasks and experiences regarding his daily life working on furthering his literary career. An excerpt from the eighty-nine point list reads “11. check e-mail / 12. feel bad that there are no new e-mails / 13. think about maximizing the manuscript of the novel in microsoft word / 14. think briefly about my future / 15. feel a little doomed / 16. drink the rest of the coffee / 17. look on the internet for something to inspire me / 18. google news my favorite authors / 19. check e-mail…” This alone demonstrates the level to which the alienating qualities of the Internet affect his writing for the public and play into his work regiment for his novel. Today Lin is the author of five books: two poetry collections you are a little bit happier than i am (2006, Action Books) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (2008, Melville House), a short story collection Bed (2007, Melville House), a novel Eeeee Eee Eeee (2007, Melville House), and a novella Shoplifting from American Apparel, just published this past September by Melville House. Melville House will also publish his second novel Richard Yates in September 2010. Major stylistic qualities of Lin’s writing, in addition to its alienated and estranged nature, include concrete statements with no trace of emotional connection, self-deprecation, ironic scare-quoting of seemingly arbitrary words, loneliness, the existential struggle, and notions of surrealistic digressions of stream-of-consciousness.

“HTMLGIANT” refers to itself as “the internet literature magazine blog of the future.” It began just over a year ago and is updated by approximately seventeen regular contributors and, on occasion, guest contributors, all of whom are established writers part of the Internet literary subculture. “HTMLGIANT” publishes commentaries on emerging new writers, specifically within their movement, more established and influential writers of major press corporations, releases of books, movies, journals, and relevant and funny Internet “Web Hype.”

The blog has become associated with discussions in comment sections that are random, ridiculous, ironic, sometimes legitimate, and often “shit-talking.” The blog has become a strong source for new information regarding the Internet writing in general and is especially reflective of the subculture’s approach and interests. One such example includes a Gmail Chat conversation between two “HTMLGIANT” contributors reviewing Tao Lin’s latest release. This unorthodox, clearly Internet-based approach to a review, coupled with the fact that reviewers were also associated Internet writers, as well as former roommates of the subject, demonstrates the lengths to which the subculture of Internet literature has developed. A small, tight group of people has come together across the medium of the Internet, working with ideas, interests, and goals. The irony, the detached glow of the computer screen, the web-based publication all factor into the approach and concentration of the movement’s ethos.

In October 2008, Tao Lin announced on his blog a new publisher of which he was the editor. It was called Muumuu House, and it started as an Internet literary journal, moving on to publish three print books in first year: Ellen Kennedy’s debut poetry collection Sometimes My Heart Pushes My Ribs in March, a compiled book of Gmail Chats, titled The Brandon Book Crisis in May, and Brandon Scott Gorrell’s debut poetry collection During My Nervous Breakdown I Want to Have a Biographer Present in June. The stylistic qualities of the publishing house are wildly similar to Lin’s own writing, and the online supplement appears highly influenced by the Internet. In addition to poetry and short fiction publications, the website also features the publication of Gmail Chat conversations between Internet writers and personalities and even collected selections from Lin’s friends’ Twitter accounts. The foundation of Muumuu House somewhat entrenched the sense of homology within the subculture of Internet literature that had emerged. The rhetorical qualities of these publications and the adherence to the Internet in design and content confirm the development of a truly homogenized and stylized subculture.

The poetry of Ellen Kennedy and Brandon Scott Gorrell are characterized by uncanny similarity to Lin’s own writing. His relationship with these two writers seems to be catalogued through interaction between blogs and emails. The evaluation of their work suggests a collaboration of effort, interest, and ideals that define the direction of subculture. A poem from each writer’s most recent poetry collection is very telling of the extent to which the homology in literary approach and style are based.

Tao Lin’s “today is tuesday; email me on saturday” from his 2008 collection Cognitive Behavior Therapy discusses his issues with dealing with his own life and with social relationships. Note even the influence of the Internet, regarding the title’s “email me.” The poem begins “the secret of life is decisiveness / and to describe something / i see the danger and move immediately into it / now i am really alone.” The speaker describes his actions as a sense of disenchanted contemplation, and the reaction of approach, a discovery and implementation of some said secret certainty in existence, leads to a state of solitude. This disillusioned and disheartening start to the piece sets the tone as a rampant struggle for some truth or meaning in life. The poem then plunges into abstraction explaining that “a hamster is a lonely fist” and that “I want to hold you face / with my face / like a hand.” The work demonstrates a lack of conviction and rationality in his thoughts and actions. They are the digressions of loneliness and longing toward an unattainable goal. The poem, only eleven lines in length, ends with “the secret of life is that i miss you, and this describes life / tonight my heart feels shiny and calm as a soft wet star / i describe it from a distance, then move quickly a way.” The work concludes with a pervading sense of vulnerability, as well as a detached notion regarding one’s feelings. The speaker reflects on being distanced from his heart, and moving further away. Though simultaneously the poem reflects on missing someone, implying the desire to be close and, taking note of the title, interact. The poem’s overarching impression seems to be that of removed yearning, solitude, and confusion regarding the direction of life and relationships.

Ellen Kennedy’s “Jean Rhys” is not only thematically and stylistically similar to the poem discussed above, it seems as if Lin himself could have written it. The poem begins “I’m preparing myself for an extended period of loneliness.” This is clearly an established and powerful theme throughout the Internet literary subculture. And a clear reference to the influence of the Internet and the concentration in depressing content is expressed following this thought: “I’ve illegally downloaded two new depressing songs.” The work continues “…myself alone in my room / Just a few things are needed really / To make me calm / While I figure out a simple, clean, and effective way to kill myself, / With minimal stress for the persona who has to find and dispose of my body.” This straightforward and emotionless approach to the discussion of suicide demonstrates the level of alienation and detachment that is associated with the speaker and the literary movement in general. The poem moves forward with the introduction of a relationship, much in the same way that Lin’s does: “I’ll probably never kill myself / I’ll just lie in my bed suffocating myself with my pillows / While listening to the four songs you said were your favorite.” Kennedy evokes a sense of difficulty in expressing her true intentions and feelings, clearly confused, depressed, and unsure of herself. “And the next time I’m in a subway station, / I’ll stand a little further on the yellow line / Or maybe the next time I’m at your apartment / I’ll try a little harder.” The poem is again, quite short, and demonstrates almost identical thematic goals as the previously discussed poem. The title “Jean Rhys” is a reference to the Modernist writer, commonly discussed as a part of the “Reader of Depressing Books” lineup due to her approach and content. Interest and reference to this strengthens the ties between Lin and Kennedy, further establishing the uniformity of the Internet literary movement.

Brandon Scott Gorrell’s poem “you are a goldfish and i am alienated” completely affirms the notions of homology in the style and approach of the Internet literature subculture. The title itself is an obvious indication of the ideas discussed thus far regarding the movement and the contents of the poem are completely in tune with the previous two discussed. It begins “i was nervous about going out with you / so i sat around cultivating internet relationships / while you participated in physical reality a different way.” The reference to relationships, the forward, detached movement of the words and ideas, and description of the Internet as a different form of “physical reality” establishes a highly formed and unified approach toward literature. The work proceeds, “i wanted you to invite me somewhere / but you were keeping the fun to yourself / i felt inadequate.” Gorrell discusses notions of intense loneliness and difficulty in forming stable relationships with other people and perhaps even himself. This content and stylistic method is clearly akin to that discussed above. It continues “…you / were living inside of a spherical / semi-permeable membrane that you wanted to escape completely.” This abstraction is much like that of Lin’s face holding a face like a fist and “a hamster is a lonely fist.” Gorrell uses it to describe a notion of difficulty of understanding and relating reality to other people’s situation. It is the alienated, insane voice of explaining something happening physically through an unrelated and complex symbolism of viewing something, isolated, from the outside, unable to make its way through. “i continued avoiding eye contact” works in a similar manner establishing this inability to be fully connected to another person. He ends the poem “i would have rather flown in outer space with you / stared into a telescope with you next to me / or committed suicide together / or something.” The desire to escape the basic realities of life is clearly presented in the final thoughts of this poem; this is coupled with the detached position on suicide discussed earlier. The use of the phrase “or something” displays the intense apathy and disconnect that defines the entire subculture’s lonely and alienated stance on interaction, thought processes, and existence in general.

It seems, then, from an outside standpoint, that this subculture of Internet literature is clearly reflected in the homology of style and approach of its associates. However, in order to gain a greater appreciation and understanding of an insider’s feelings regarding these assertions on the collective, I metaphorically sat down with Tao Lin for an interview. Metaphorically meaning, I don’t know if he was sitting. The interview took place on a medium that we both felt was appropriate for the discussion: a Gmail Chat:

David Fishkind: What does subculture mean to you?
Tao Lin: Something the New York Times covers for the first time in a feature article ~3-7 years after it's “inception.”
DF: What might subculture mean to you specifically in regard to the emergence of Internet literature?
TL: Anyone not published by a publisher owned by a corporation feels to me like they are either in some kind of subculture or in some kind of thing that if it had 10-100x more influence would feel like a subculture to me.
DF: How/why did you get involved in writing literature on, for, and about the Internet?
TL: I've never viewed my writing as on, for, or about the Internet. I've viewed the Internet just as another place that can host my writing, similar to a newspaper, a magazine, or a book, places where I've published an equal amount of my writing, I think. I first began writing for publication in 2002 or 2003. My first published pieces were in NYU's print magazine, eyeshot.net, uber.nu, pindeldyboz.com, and Dicey Brown's print magazine, I think. I got involved because I liked the things I read on eyeshot.net and in books and other places and was taking creative writing classes and my professor encouraged me.
DF: When and why did you start blogging? Do you view this as related to or extending your literary experience in any way?
TL: I started blogging after I graduated from NYU with a B.A. in journalism, in May 2005. I started blogging because I had many hours a day where I felt “bored” maybe and my main interest in life was literature, and I thought I would feel less bored if I typed things about literature on the internet (instead of laying in bed thinking things about literature alone then forgetting them the next day then thinking the same things), possibly even feeling “good” or “excited” or something. I view my blogging, and everything else in my life, ideally, as one thing that I would call “[something]” or “everything,” and in that sense it is a part of, an extension of, and also “is” my literary experience.
DF: How do you think the Internet literary subculture has evolved over the past few years to entrench itself as an established experience, moving beyond the blogosphere and into journalism and print?
TL: In my view, if forced to talk about some kind of evolution, I would say that in the beginning, in 2000 or 2001, there was McSweeney's, and their website and print journal. And that “inspired” (in my view, not sure if each journal's inception was caused by McSweeney's) maybe 10 online and print journals, some of which are Hobart, Eyeshot, American Journal of Print, Uber, Pindeldyboz, Dicey Brown, Surgery of Modern Warfare. Those journals all seemed, to me, very focused tonally and in design, and I liked them, and they all seemed to know each other, it felt like some kind of community. About half these journals published both online and in print. That continued from maybe 2003 to maybe 2006. Then the people editing those journals either stopped editing them or let other people edit them or stopped the magazine. After 2006 or 2007 or so there seem to be exponentially more Internet literary magazines. After 2006 I feel no longer able to see any evolution, due to there being too many things for me to be aware of adequately to say anything general. I feel that magazines on the Internet feel as “established” and “legitimate” now as they did in 2003.
DF: I never thought about it like that. Interesting. Okay, moving on a little. What stylistic approaches do you associate yourself with as a writer?
TL: I associate myself with two styles in prose, two styles in poetry. Prose (1) used in “Shoplifting from American Apparel”/influenced by “Kmart-Realists”: concrete words in short to medium length sentences with the subject beginning the sentence, with little or no adjectives or adverbs, a minimal use of punctuation, and ideally no idioms (“sup bro”; “scram”) or clichés (“kicked the bucket”; “screamed at the top of his lungs”) except in dialogue (2) used in “Bed”/influenced by Lorrie Moore: everything in (1) but with abstractions, metaphors, similes, em-dashes, semi-colons. Poetry (1) used in “Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy”/influenced by Matthew Rohrer & Ben Lerner: never tonally literal, with abstractions and sometimes idioms and clichés used in a non-literal manner, with a focus on non-sequiturs (2) used in “you are a little bit happier than i am”/influenced by emo songs maybe: something similar to “Prose (1)” but in first-person. These are ideals and I don't necessarily follow these exactly in the books I listed.
DF: Do you associate any stylistic approaches with the Internet literature subculture in general?
TL: No. I associate a certain style with Muumuu House, but I view Muumuu House as a small percentage of the writing that is on the internet, and I view it as different than most of the writing on the internet, though I don't view it as more different than any other two venues on the internet probably.
DF: How would you describe that style?
TL: Concrete words in short to medium length sentences with the subject beginning the sentence, with little or no adjectives or adverbs, a minimal use of punctuation, and ideally no idioms (“sup bro”; “scram”) or clichés (“kicked the bucket”; “screamed at the top of his lungs”) except in dialogue. Told in a detached, direct tone to humorous and emotional effects.
DF: You have already answered this partially, but if you feel you have anything to add, how does the Internet affect your style as a writer, or how do you think it may affect the style of other Internet writers you may associate yourself with?
TL: I don't think it affects my writing style or the writing styles of those I associate with in a manner that is more significant than the telephone, Microsoft Word, caffeine, or [almost anything else] affects my writing style and the writing styles of those I associate with.
DF: Many other writers involved with Internet literature have been closely compared to you stylistically, such as Brandon Scott Gorrell and Ellen Kennedy, both of whom you published this year at Muumuu House. How do you feel the similarities in your respective stylistic approaches emerged?
TL: The first things I read by Brandon Scott Gorrell and Ellen Kennedy were stylistically similar to some of my writing, in the same manner someone in China right now is probably writing in the same style as me. I felt an affinity to their writing, because I write what I want to read, and as we read more of each other's writings we probably felt encouraged stylistically and wrote more intensely in that style, having more confidence to do so.
DF: Thank you, you answered my next question in that answer.
TL: Good.
DF: Last one. How do you think the Internet may affect the future of your writing and the future of Muumuu House?
TL: The Internet probably won't affect the future of my writing or Muumuu House because I and Muumuu House were already using the Internet when me and Muumuu House began doing things related to writing. In terms of prose style, content, themes, and tone I don't think the Internet will affect me or Muumuu House in ways more significant than anything else. Overall I feel that the Internet has little to no effect on the order and selection of the words in my books; things that affect that, and Muumuu House, are things like how my mom and dad treated me ages 3-10 or if I had any debilitating diseases growing up or how much time I spent alone in college, I think.
me: Interesting. Thanks, I appreciate you taking the time for that.
TL: [No problem].

This interview, though not completely what I expected, and not completely working in favor of all of the statements made in a discussion of a said Internet literary subculture, does actually work to affirm a good deal of the claims made regarding approach, interest, and style. Lin’s sardonic response to my very first question kind of set the tone for the conversation. He answered the questions as directly as possible, and had to be asked in order to get much more detail on something. His discussion of concrete and detached literary style is reflected in his everyday writing, simply through the way he responded to this interview. In addition, Lin also established and reaffirmed statements regarding the homology of style, at least for Muumuu House. Though it may seem to push further than simply that publisher and its website, the obvious trend of developing and entrenching a style due to the collected interest and approach of a group is confirmed here by the writing and interest of Lin, Kennedy, Gorrell, and other writers based in the Internet.

In regard to Lin’s claims about the Internet not playing a role in the direction and interest of his writing, one can only take that he is making broader, perhaps ironic claims. Perhaps the approach does not directly come from the Internet, but it seems heavily influenced for a writer who claims that blogging is “an extension of, and also ‘is’ [his] literary experience.” All one has to do is visit his blog, updated on average weekly, or turn to the first page of September’s Shoplifting from American Apparel to see the extent to which the Internet plays a role in his life and literature. It opens with a Gmail Chat conversation between two writers, discussing relationships, literature, and Internet porn. The Internet seems alive and well in Lin’s writing, and whether it feels like an influence or not, there is an undeniable presence and representation of the subculture within almost all he writes.

Thirty years ago Dick Hebdige closely observed the punks of London to determine a sense of true style that can be gained through the homogenized approach in collected interest and approach. Through their homology, the punks developed their own culture, centered about a series of similar feelings toward music, society, and one another. Today, the Internet allows for a more efficient gathering of similarly minded individuals in a social setting that guarantees an easy exchange of ideas. Of the millions of interests and outlets that the Internet provides, the chance to exchange literary ideas and stylistic approaches is just one. And that one can be broken down even further into the subculture that has been clearly established and discussed through the work of Tao Lin’s “Reader of Depressing Books,” the commentary and support of “HTMLGIANT”’s collected effort, a number of online literary magazines and publishers, and the most recent establishment of the Muumuu House publisher, breaching Internet interests with full print publications with homogenized effort and style. Today, the number of blogs and writers is constantly growing, the passing of new ideas, the entrenchment of style, and the collective concentration to maintain and push further is avid and pervading. The future of Internet literature seems to be anything but bleak, and the ever-growing mores behind it seems stronger than ever. The subculture has developed and maintained its own style and approach, and continues to work, pushing the limits and direction of literature through its interests.



Works Cited:

Butler, Blake, ed. HTMLGIANT. Blogger, 2009. Web. 14 Dec. 2009.

Gorrell, Brandon Scott. During My Nervous Breakdown I Want to Have a Biographer Present. New York: Muumuu House, 2009. Print.

Hebdige, Dick. “Subculture: The Meaning of Style.” Literary Theory: An Anthology: Second Edition. Ed. Julie Rivkin and Michael Ryan. Malden, MA: Blackwell, 2004. Print.

Kennedy Ellen. Sometimes My Heart Pushes My Ribs. New York: Muumuu House, 2009. Print.

Lin, Tao. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. New York: Melville House, 2008. Print.

Lin, Tao, ed. Muumuu House. 2009. Web. 15 Dec. 2009.

Lin, Tao. Personal Interview. 16 Dec. 2009.

Lin, Tao, ed. Reader of Depressing Books/heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com. Blogger, 2009. Web. 15 Dec. 2009.

Lin, Tao. Shoplifting from American Apparel. New York: Melville House, 2009. Print.

“Tao Lin.” Wikipediea. MediaWiki, 14 Dec. 2009. Web. 14 Dec. 2009.

read, listen to, and download my poetry on word riot

two poems of mine have been published at word riot

they are called 'i stole you a book today' and 'may' respectively

they are available to be read, listened to, and downloaded in .mp3 format

seems really sweet

i wrote these poems a long time ago, i feel like they've really lived up to my positive feelings toward them

i hope you also have positive feelings toward them

also, i'm rich or something

also, read my poem titled 'apologies' at read some words

december: expect big things

december will be a good month overall i think

i have big plans for this blog, expect exciting posts!

*POSTS TO WATCH FOR IN DECEMBER*

- 5000-6000 word essay on the internet literature movement as a subculture

- comprehensive review of 'think tank for human beings in general' (*this may be pushed back to january if i do not feel it can be adequately completed in time*)

- david fishkind's top __ movies of 2009

- david fishkind's top __ tracks of 2009

- david fishkind's top __ albums of 2009

- david fishkind's top 100 albums of the decade

i'm overall pretty psyched for this month in blogging

seems like it will be very strong, little bit objective analysis, little bit opinion

otherwise, i've been chilling mostly

i made a tumblr

i watched todd solondz's 'palindromes' tonight, it was really sweet overall, i recommend any todd solondz movie to any frequenter of this blog

i've been getting 'mad hits' lately because when people search 'fantastic mr. fox' on google images, the picture i used in my post comes up many people click on it

i've also been working on a long poem. it has been described by the author as 'an epic narrative.' it deals partially with my childhood and heavily with the past two years of my life. it is ~6500 words so far and is expected to top 10,000. it will most likely be released sometime next year as a chapbook, tentatively titled 'baby hedgehogs and american apparel dogs.' it is yet to be determined whether it will be self-published or published by some other source. stay tuned for more information

today i drank a lot of coffee and got very high on caffeine and did some hardcore writing in the library. after i exited i felt 'very high' still and felt nervous around cops for some reason

christmas tree is up in washington square park

get pumped for december in general!

i got photoshop/i made a flickr

http://www.flickr.com/photos/david-fishkind/ http://www.flickr.com/photos/david-fishkind/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/david-fishkind/ http://www.flickr.com/photos/david-fishkind/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/david-fishkind/ http://www.flickr.com/photos/david-fishkind/

three reviews

here are three reviews i did last spring on a blog i started with some friends

the blog ended quickly, but i still like the reviews

my review of yeah yeah yeah's 'it's blitz!' can be read here. i feel that i reviewed this album too leniently. with too much excitement for a new yeah yeah yeahs album. i feel i was too positive and not very critical at all. i still like this album. just not as much maybe. i think i felt this was going to be the best album of the year, 'easily.' this was before chill-wave existed, before i'd heard 'veckatimest,' and before i knew anything about the mystery books.

my review of conor oberst and the mystic valley band's 'outer south' can be read here. i feel that this will probably be the most overlooked album of 2009. i really liked this album. i felt it was better than anything conor oberst has done in the past five years. i feel really positively about the contributions made by his other band members. it seems like this album is a good direction for conor, as he has stated he's pretty much done with bright eyes. i feel positive and a little bit nostalgic about conor oberst when i listen to this album. it's kind of like what a good ryan adam's album might sound like. maybe.

my review of tao lin and brandon scott gorrell's 'the brandon book crisis' can be read here. this is the last post i made on this blog. tao linked this on his twitter, and i feel the blog got considerably 'mad hits' for a little while. i felt really positively toward this review. i still feel positively toward this review and the book, which has been largely discussed, insulted, and even called 'the biggest mistake of [lin's] career.' i am happy i reviewed the book, but i feel it was a bad direction for this blog. nobody ever talked to me about this blog again, though a lot people seemed really interested in it initially and were planning on contributing to it.

i feel sad that this blog died

should i delete this blog forever or should i leave it up as something to look back on as a source for some early writing and reviews by me and a couple people i know?

stuff

things lately that have been happening i think have been happening

everyone should listen to the album 'sweden' by the mountain goats

also, 'heretic pride' is good

i have been very careful on the streets lately i've been feeling nervous on the streets

i often imagine what it would be like to be stabbed quickly by someone unidentifiable on the streets who then runs away and leaves me alone in the middle of the night

i have been giving myself very regular testicular exams, i am doing okay i think

i received noah cicero's 'the human war' in the mail

this book is good and should be taken with a shot of whiskey maybe

i recently read some of 'best behavior'

i did not read it all, but i skimmed a lot of it and thought it was funny re 'hu chi' and 'john walters'

tonight i had a glass of hard cider

i ordered 'think tank for human beings in general' i hope i get it soon

i watched 'in the mood for love' i gave it an 8/10 on imdb

i tried to watch 'oldboy' but it was abrasively dubbed on netflix instant watch and could not be changed

i ate indian food today and yesterday and i bought granola bars at trader joe's

i bought 'a supposedly fun thing i'll never do again' by david foster wallace and i guess i am writing a major paper based on it i guess

there are lots of flying insects living in my room

i put lots of things in this post because i hope for it to be a relatable and fun post to read

goodnight

notes on wes anderson's 'fantastic mr. fox'

i liked 'fantastic mr. fox'

it was really good if you like wes anderson movies i think, idk what it was like if you don't like wes anderson movies

it probably wasn't good if you don't like wes anderson movies

the humor was a little dry and the subject matter was a little over-the-head for children. wes anderson (and noah baumbach (credited writer)) didn't seem to spare any political correctness for a children's release, including liquor, guns, and 'cuss.' relevant to mention the word 'cuss' is used wherever a 'cuss-word' would've been used in a normal anderson release. this was funny and effective and possibly off-putting to parents and children

'fantastic mr. fox' seemed more like a film targeted to wes anderson viewers (i.e. young artsy types/hipsters, cool 30-50 year olds who like dry humor and are slightly sarcastic/narcissistic/pessimistic and often teach high school AP english classes) with a design appeal to children

it was not original necessarily. it was basically a combination of 'bottle rocket,' 'rushmore,' and 'the royal tenenbaums' re action, alienation, and familial problems respectively

jason schwartzman's character was essentially 'max fischer' again, which was kind of funny

the cast was solid, kind of pushing the limit on how many big indie/respectable hollywood names you can put in an animated feature (george clooney, meryl streep, schwartzman, bill murray, michael gambon, willem dafoe, owen wilson, etc)

i think this movie was well animated. it was choppy and looked simple, but also well developed in a way aesthetically. the animation reminded me of henry selick a little and nick park a little

seemed like a lot of children were laughing, but also saying 'what' a lot

this was the second children's book i read when i was little that was released as a feature film by a major independent director in the past month

i think i would say i liked this 100% more than spike jonze's 'where the wild things are'

i wonder what the next indie director children feature-length film will be... i think it will be david lynch re 'snoot world'

who needs poetry when you experience life through a small quiet vacuum

it's okay if i plug my nose and get alone tonight

i can justify that through blogging about it

and if i make money doing that then i can justify it even more

i will ride the train and sit in the waiting area playing solitaire

it will be okay because i know that you're at home sleeping feeling better

and i'm feeling worse because soon i'll have a fever and i'll pass out in your room

which is the only place that i feel full and good about myself

let's talk it out potentially but i don't want to because you're being tired

i'm going to run around the streets of new york and be healthy

hold me because i'm an intelligent person trapped an idiot's body

we can be one another's best friend for at least forever maybe

i want to take my shoes off but i am wearing two pairs of socks for warmth

this is funny i am making myself laugh potentially

there are so many good places to get hotdogs in new york city

which will i choose, i will choose gray's papaya due to proximity and price

i will walk around in circles for blocks to gain your approval

i will get lost to learn more about my surroundings

i will forget what i am going to say or type and work on fixing errors

errors are everywhere, but mostly in typing and i am getting better at not having them

you look good today and everyday and especially when you're wearing blue shorts

and i look bad today and everyday and especially when i'm alone in a small quiet vacuum

no, i'm just kidding someday none of this will actually matter

but right now existentially everything matters

everything matters, doesn't it

does writing poetry when you're alone in a small quiet vacuum negate the significance of the artistic experience

will i ever affectively edit anything

and when i yell out loud it's not that i'm trying to hurt anyone

it's just that i want to voice my opinion and i feel so quiet sometimes

and i only feel alone when you're not with me

do you get that

or do i have to explain it in a painting that i don't have the ability to accomplish

i'm going to submit this later

to a literary magazine or an online poetry publisher

hopefully they will like it, i wonder if i'll include this part

i have a brand new manager who listens to me and is completely unbiased

i tell him things and he says 'thank you that is helpful'

mostly i just want to tell you that i think you look good in blue shorts

i am asleep now, isn't this weird that i am still able to type

let's hang out and drink poland springs waters

remember when i worked at a farm and you came to visit me

we went into the pumpkin patch and walked around and you took pictures

then we went to the hill at the veterinary school and i wanted to fall asleep in your lap

you left then and went back to new york and i continued to work on the farm

i looked at the pumpkins as they started to get old and some of them rotted

i got fired and i took home my radio

excerpt from nicole spector's upcoming novella 'the gay life'

Then he started being gay. He loved it. It was all he ever did. Everyday. So much. He got wet in the bath. And got gay. Then he went to the gay bar. THEN HE TOOK ME TO THE GAY BAR. A GAY BAR. GAY BAR. Un-caps lock. At the gay bar. He met a bro. named shithead. Chad. Not shithead. So he followed chad to the fuck room. And they were both. On x. and they fucked. Together. At the same time. Then. Chad had to pee. Then Michael left the gay bar. He got fucked. By. Hahahahahaha. A gay hobo. That raped him. Ahahaahgagagahaha. He seduced him. Into his cardboard box. And raped him. And then he convinced him to stay. And watch splash! With tom hanks in it. Then Michael went home and his asshole hurt. He decided he should get tested. The end.

*nicole spector (depicted above) has been writing for 16 years and was running a 102 fever when this was written. the piece was dictated to an anonymous ghost writer and then emailed to me post-haste*

things i did

i ate pie

i drank hot chocolate

i sat in a car and went to connecticut

i smelled grass

i drank vodka

i drank rum

i ate calamari

i pushed my head into a pillow

i ate naan

i ate shrimp tikka bhuna masala

i drank wine

i put baby powder in my hair

i stood in the rain

i sat alone on the 4 train

i sat alone on the A train

i sat alone on the L train

i drank kombucha

i went to mars 2112

i touched your face

i went to sleep

holiday gimmick for masses

a comprehensive review of tao lin's 'shoplifting from american apparel', career, gimmicks, personality, and other things (with dj berndt)

*all that follows is a real unedited text between dj berndt and i regarding 'tao lin's grassroots promotional campaign'. this conversation took place on october 26, 2009 on gmail and it will reign down in history as one of the most significant gchats regarding the internet literary scene of all time* David Fishkind Chat with DJ Berndt DJ Berndt Mon, Oct 26, 2009 at 11:49 PM To: dfishkind@gmail.com 10:06 PM DJ: hello me: yoo DJ: how are you? me: not bad how r u DJ: very bad. but whatever. me: damnn what happened? 10:07 PM DJ: more shit with my DUI. no big deal, I guess. me: dude when did u get a dui? DJ: about a year ago me: shittt im sorry man DJ: yeah. life is rough me: thats really rough 10:08 PM DJ: were you supposed to have a talk about Tao Lin with Jordan Castro tonight? 10:09 PM me: ya he fucked it up like a bitch DJ: that sucks me: do u wanna have a 500+ line conversation about tao with me DJ: yes, I do I would be good at it too me: ok let's do this DJ: ok 10:10 PM should we do it interview style? me: umm ya or like we could do it like let's discuss this facet of tao/'s career stuff like that DJ: ok when do we start I think he wants us to talk about SFAA a lot me: let's talk about it 10:11 PM what did u think about it initially 10:12 PM DJ: I thought "This is very much written like Tao Lin. I wish that Tao had expanded a little more. I really like the book, and I think it is better than most books I read, but I have especially high expectations for Tao. Shoplifting From American Apparel fell slightly short, all in all. me: i can understand that but at the same time i feel like sfaa fell the opposite of short like um when i first read it 10:13 PM i felt disappointed a little bit, it was really different, it didn't seem playful or weird or anything, it seemed like overdone but then i reread things in it and i feel like it is more mature or like established 10:14 PM i kept feeling like it was 'camus-esque' the more i looked at it which is good DJ: I can dig that I thought of Tao's career like a rockstar. It gave me images of Tao riding his fame and then exploding in a mountain of drugs. 10:15 PM me: in a similar-type rock star scenario, i would see an image of tao like recording basement tapes or something DJ: Ziggy Stardust or something me: basement tapes that like blow up and represent his career more than his produced music 10:16 PM neutral milk hotel like that 10:17 PM DJ: I think Tao revolutionized our generation of writing. Love him or hate him, you can't deny his impact. I personally love it. He brings this level of sarcasm to moments of sadness that seem to transcend formal eloquence. me: i can honestly say that sfaa represents more of a progression than i see between his other works like a big leap maybe this will further shift internet literature 10:18 PM DJ: what did you think of the way he translated gmail chats? me: that was good i imagined when i heard him read (approx 1 month before i got the book) that they were gonna be like the brandon book crisis im happy they weren't because gchat is kind of like real conversations DJ: yes, I think so me: at least among the blogosphere experiences i've had 10:19 PM like noah and tao, that would be them talking, but they didnt talk bc they were really detached, existing in their heads and on the internet 10:20 PM DJ: that's what I liked about his formatting. I like that he chose to not go with a formatting that accentuated the pop culture reference, because that can only get you so far it seemed to like he was going "less gimmick, more material", which may be atypical of Tao, but is a progression that I agree with me: damn, i can see that 10:21 PM i also feel like there were some definite 'gimmicky' moments in the book like i have a couple questions i want your opinion on i've talked to a lot of people about this book the past couple months and i've gotten responses like 10:22 PM 'tao is writing in a way that anyone can write now, it seems basically the same as bsg/ellen kennedy/zgerman also i've heard 10:23 PM 'i don't really like sfaa bc it leaves out all the cute, collegey style that made his first few books so charming' what do u think about those statements 10:24 PM DJ: the first statement is highly controversial. Yes, BSG and German write like Tao and Ellen. That doesn't make it bad, though. I think that BSG and German are very talented. There is a fine line between influence and copycats. I think that German and BSG walk the line in the end, though. 10:25 PM German really showed how good he can be with his work on Bear Parade, and I respect him for that. me: do u think this a gimmick set up by them all or is this like an entrenches aesthetic like what picasso and braque did when they painted like the same thing DJ: There are other blogosphere writers who I think copy Tao too much, but BSG and German are above that. me: *entrenched 10:27 PM DJ: I think that the quotes thing is too much. I don't like when other people besides Tao or Ellen overuse quotes needlessly also, phrases like "serious facial expression" or "neutral facial expression" can bug me when overused me: yes i can understand that 10:28 PM DJ: this is from the standpoint of an editor, though when I read a submission for PANGUR BAN PARTY, I become disenchanted when I see overuse of quotes, etc me: i feel re my 2nd question 10:29 PM when u read something like sfaa do u miss the tao from 'bed' and 'you are a little bit happier than i am' he was like way more tangential and emotional and confused than the 'sam' version of tao DJ: I do miss the old Tao from EEE. 10:30 PM I think it was exactly the kind of writing that catches my attention. It was hilarious, and yet the most depressing thing I've read in a long time. 10:31 PM One of the best examples I can give is that my best friend calls EEE the "most depressing book" he's ever read. Another friend said it was "the funniest book" she's ever read. Both are well read people. that speaks volumes to me me: it's impressive 10:32 PM i feel like 'sam' and the style for sfaa is more like what tao's persona has become, really detached, really quiet/awkward/careless perhaps DJ: like I said before "He brings this level of sarcasm to moments of sadness that seem to transcend formal eloquence" me: maybe tao has changed or something, this was his first fiction in 2 years he just seemed more emotional in his earlier work which really wasn't that much earlier if you think about it 10:33 PM it seems strange like a disjunct pattern a weird time shift can that really happen so quickly or is he taking advantage of us through literature, making us assume things without any information but his blog and his publications 10:34 PM DJ: one of the most telling things I've ever read by Tao occurred in The Brandon Book Crisis me: enlighten me 10:36 PM DJ: Tao: just want to 'milk' my bitches some more me: hahahaha damn so true though DJ: Tao: gotta milk them while hits are high I felt honestly hurt when I read that me: damn it does seem like he took advantage of us a little through that publication specifically 10:37 PM DJ: yes. but all in all, I respect Tao and what he does. I think he deserves all of the success he has achieved me: omg what just happened i just fell off the face of the internet mid-chat 10:38 PM DJ: oh shit me: ok ok im back overall do u have any major things to say about sfaa specifically 10:39 PM like quotes or just overall statements 10:40 PM DJ: my final thoughts on SFFA are as follows: SFAA is a great book. It is highly entertaining and impossible to put down. It's only drawbacks appear when one ponders the career of Tao Lin as a whole, because in the end, SFAA was lackluster compared to his previous works." me: damn nice DJ: do you have a final statement concerning SFAA? me: this is my press statement: 10:42 PM sfaa falls short in no ways if you view it how it should be viewed, this is a work that is presently an almost pure existential view of the universe. detachment from others, sense of personal conception and satisfaction, uniquely defined morals, and an ability to really justify anything one wants through this unique moral system 10:43 PM DJ: my other closing statment is "Tao Lin, with Shoplifting From American Apparel, brings a level of sarcasm to moments of complete sadness that transcend formal eloquence." me: i think my favorite parts of this novella are those concerning sex. it seems like the fact that tao/sam never seem to get laid never got me feeling down about the character damn, word 10:44 PM how would u rank it in accordance to tao's other works 10:45 PM DJ: 1) EEE 2) Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy 3) Bed 4) You Are A Little Bit Happier Than I Am 5) Shoplifting From American Apparel You? me: 1. you are a little bit happier than i am 2. bed 3. shoplifting from american apparel 3. cognitive behavioral therapy 5. eee 10:46 PM note the tie damnn DJ: we have differing opinions, I think that's good me: i think that's interesting i think a lot of people i know put sfaa at the bottom 10:47 PM but i think it's like more of a professional, adult way of looking at things his hamster surrealism just doesn't seem to resonate as deeply with what i would consider 'established literature' though i love it all the same 10:48 PM but we've praised tao a lot we should criticize him bc that is important DJ: well. 10:49 PM I think The Brandon Book Crisis is the biggest mistake of his career. me: damn, elaborate DJ: It was a stupid move. It's a waste of everyone's time, and it shows a side of Tao that I didn't want to see. me: damn i liked that book DJ: The side of Tao that doesn't care about his fans, only their money 10:50 PM me: that's true i guess i think that tao 's persona thing pushes it way too far sometimes DJ: that's his beauty, though 10:51 PM me: he goes so all out though to the point where i feel he could lose readers also idk if it's even real i went to see him read once and he read for like five minutes and then answered questions with like disdain the owner of the bookstore seemed put off and so did a lot of readers 10:52 PM i feel like there is a significant difference between public tao and like actual tao which actually works against him i'm not sure if public tao has emotion or interest in anything DJ: whatever works though 10:53 PM me: idk DJ: he has a huge fanbase me: you've met tao i feel like he's different when he's not promoting a book or something DJ: yes me: i've seen him look happy and talk more, even in a voice that seemed less monotoned 10:54 PM DJ: he seemed quiet and depressed when I met him. I must say that overall, Tao and Zachary German were rude to me. me: damn idk, i feel i've had good experiences with them irl 10:55 PM they both seem to evoke more personality, humanity my only point of saying this is i know people who have been put off by tao's public presence 10:56 PM when he seems like a much more normal guy than who he projects himself to be via 'sam' and blogging and the way he answers questions, etc DJ: that seems important 10:57 PM In closing, Tao is a genius, but his next work needs to be different that SFAA. And more like EEE. me: i feel it wont be based on what i've read also, i feel we can't 'close' this yet 10:58 PM since we're only at ~200 lines i feel our lines have been very long thus increasing our analysis we can shorten our lines to make this longer i think that richard yates i supposed to be more like sfaa *is bc they were written in proximity also authobiographical 10:59 PM let's ask each other one liners or something to extend this gmail chat DJ: haha ok me: i read on gawker that tao told people 11:00 PM he has like a 170 iq do u think thats bullshit or was he for serious DJ: yes that would be insane hang on brb me: haha 11:01 PM while dj is gone 11:02 PM i am going to ask myself questions and give myself answers bc this is an extensive review of tao lin and his career and i need to maintain a steady flow of personal opinions and information i have re tao lin and his career am i whore for doing this i honestly dont know am i doing this for increased hits yes i think so but i think so *but i think also 11:03 PM to express a plethora of opinions and idea i have re this book DJ: I am talking to my girlfriend on the phone me: bc i have not written about this book pubilcally it's ok 11:04 PM i'm just keeping this going for our own benefit DJ: you are a trooper me: need mad hits also need to express opinions on tao DJ: I wonder what Tao thinks of Blake Butler and Shane Jones me: i do too it seems like blake butler has a ton of followers and presence but has not tried to express himself as much publically 11:05 PM i will ask tao about that maybe about his feelings i know nothing about shane jones honestly i looked up the highest iqs ever on google it says 190 is the highest it seems doubtful that tao's iq is 170 but it seems probably that it is over 150 based on my knowledge of iqs 11:06 PM and my experiences reading interviews with tao tao once said he could justify anything existentially or something like that i feel that is what the purpose of sfaa was to express that through literature what are my opinions on muumuuhouse i feel it is a really worth while project 11:07 PM seems like it truly expresses that tao 'cares' about the literary community i hope he continues to publish writers, i hope he publishes lots of unknowns i hope he publishes writers that sound different from him i wonder where the money comes from to pay writers when one makes money as tao lin do i think tao lin is carles im not sure 11:08 PM i have had inklings that carles is multiple people via his multiple buddy icons on AIM sometimes it is fat chick sometimes it is parrot same parrot as zachary german's gchat icon INTERESTING what do i think about tao's self promotion it seems reasonable considering what he is trying to do 11:09 PM he sets himself up in a gimmick that is really original and obnoxious he will be remembered in a similar way as jim morrison exposing himself to his fans and getting drunk and violent to his fans tao told a group of readers in boston that he was carles tao sold shares for his book 11:10 PM tao reads in a really monotone voice and speaks that way tao publishes gchats tao promotes gimmicks such as this one *tao told a group at a reading in boston that he was carles 11:11 PM tao got a fuck america tattoo that i've never witnessed irl tao lin seems prolific to the point of insanity the way he speaks in interviews seems insane and unreal tao won an nyu creative writing award 11:12 PM the collected stories of bed were written for nyu writing classes the points i'm trying to make here are about how he really changed the way that people can view a young writer he is this strange, unique internet presence who does all these things that it seems nobody else has done but that everyone else wants to do 11:13 PM i'm almost at 300 lines not sure if i'll make it to 500 lines there are many more things to say about tao i see britney spears stickers all over nyc i also see lots of sfaa stickers he works hard to get his presence out there it seems like gimmicks with entrench you jonathan safran foer had a lot of gimmicks 11:14 PM it seems he is permanently entrenched in modern literature this seems good for a literary career what is my favorite tao lin blog post i think i really liked the one about when he was in germany 11:15 PM it impresses me that his work has carried him across oceans who is tao lin? what is tao lin? what am i doing here talking to myself on gchat i gave my my 'bed' to read over the summer my mom really liked bed she said it was incredibly sad 11:16 PM but she also said it was more evocative of her children's generation than anything else she looked up stuff about tao and was just really impressed with his detached, internet nature she said that is what has happened to the technological gneration generation y is tao lin 's 11:17 PM when i had a tv when i lived at my parent's house a few months ago and 18 prior years i watched a lot of nickelodeon and i watch commercials to see what children are interested the commercials this past year have shown me something interesting 11:18 PM they are sarcastic, dry, detached, delirious commercials advertising for things like fruit by the foot i watch cartoons and they seem wildly existential spongebob has all this strange, detached type of humor my prediction is this 11:19 PM these children who are raised watching weird comercials and weird cartoons are going to end up reading tao lin when they turn ~14-19 years old his literature is going to speak more directly to these children who have no concept of life before internet and no concept of the world trade center this is why i find tao's work so appealing 11:20 PM it is actually is a reflective of the future in my opinion i seriously see parallels between spongebob, tao lin, comercials, children, cellphones, terrorism, and global warming 11:21 PM it seems that his writing is that like salinger's was to the 50s it traps a sense of youth detachment so accurately and uniquely 11:22 PM i think that is why so many people want to copy the shit out of tao i read lots of blogs now that didnt existed a year ago that are exactly like taos i think my original 30-40 blog posts fall under this category as well perhaps 11:23 PM (dj is idle) DJ: dj is back me: what do u think about tao's myspace sale real or no why opinions confrontations do u want to confront tao here 11:24 PM DO U BELIEVE DJ: I am not sure that I believe it me: it seems insane but i really dont think tao had $8100 to give to himself like 11:25 PM the truth must be revealed but it could be the truth i guess 11:26 PM r u there dj we have like 137 more lines to go must get hits promotion for tao reviewing tao's career to promote our careers DJ: I am here I also don't think tao had that kind of money 11:27 PM but he still could have lied or something me: it was all on ebay idk we can move on DJ: maybeit was real me: i've been jumping around DJ: who knows me: i'm trying to think of more things to say DJ: haha me: i know it's in there DJ: will all of this count as legit talking about tao me: definitely 11:28 PM DJ: I think thta since many of the things we discussed were longer than one line that it should count for something me: what do u think about talking to tao on gmail chat DJ: he is always busy and short me: i feel he is deceiving 90% of the time he's not afk seems terribly deceiving DJ: he's probably not afk right now 11:29 PM we could probably talk t ohim now me: i was talking to him before we started talking DJ: oh yeah? what did he say? me: we were bashin on jordan for ditching me DJ: what a coward me: i feel like if jordan is (still) reading this that i should apologize for calling him a bitch but still he doesnt care about our plans at all ok DJ: haha, I'm sure he has a good reason 11:30 PM me: balonga baloney balogna thats it ok more about tao DJ: haha me: what do u think about tao selling beer on his store 11:31 PM seems unethical DJ: I love it me: seems wrong hehe DJ: I think it's great alcohol laws are bullshit me: i saw tao drinking beer once i felt like i couldnt look up to him as a father figure when i saw him doing that because its harmful to your body sets a bad example for the youth 11:32 PM DJ: I harm my body all the time I drink and smoke me: it seems you and tao can relate tao relates to his readers by drinking and smoking DJ: you drink too, though me: idk if tao has ever smoked i know, i drink too it seems that tao does a good job of seeming like a real guy when he drinks like when obama drinks beer its like showing off for the fans or something 11:33 PM but i digress DJ: I think it's crazy in SFAA when he talks about being less inhibited because others are drunk me: thats really funny o btw re richard yates i have read that it is about his relationship with ellen kennedy what do u think about statutory rape in re to tao lin and ellen kennedy DJ: oh wow 11:34 PM I don't care about statutory rape, i don't think I don't care much for laws me: did u know about the band leftover crack before reading bed DJ: no I did not did you? 11:35 PM me: ya i think thats one reason i really liked tao bc he liked leftover crack he does a good job in bed drawing the reader in what do u think about tao stylistaclly drawing from lorrie moore 11:36 PM DJ: in Bed? me: specifically the intro of 'love is a thing on sale for more money than there exists' it seems really similar to the intro to 'like life' DJ: Bed can read as a remix of Like Life me: i'm happy you said that i feel it is also a remix of joy williams' 'honored guest' 11:37 PM DJ: Bed is very good though I like it a lot me: i think tao does a good job taking from other books i like it a lot too i just wanted to comment on how interesting it is to read them side by side 11:38 PM DJ: Tao is good at borrowing from other writers me: like reading 'chilly scenes of winter' next to eee and noting the similarities in the vague unrequited love thing DJ: Tao sent me Chilly Scenes and signed it me: hehe that is good 11:39 PM DJ: I really really like it it's an amazing book me: i think i have a way to end this gchat interestingly we can do like another 40 lines or so DJ: Is Tao Lin a punk compared to Blake Butler and Shane Jones? me: on how u feel about tao's accesibility to his fans via the interest 11:40 PM tao lin is definitely a punk compared to blake butler idk anything about shane jones how do we feel about tao's accesibility to his fans via the internet DJ: not even Light Boxes? me: nothing DJ: Tao and his fans 11:41 PM I think that internet provides his fans with a way to easily insult him without any response what do you think about the poeme that posted on muumuuhouse.com? 11:42 PM me: i think some are amazing and others are slightly terrible i enjoy reading some of the gmail chats i like the twitter selection but not because i read it just bc i think its pretty funny that there are twitter selections 11:43 PM DJ: yes I like the twitter selections some of the poems on muumuuhouse.com are second rate though me: definitely i think it might be to be ironic but i cannot be sure DJ: yes probably Tao is the master of gimmicks like that me: i thought muumuu house was an ironic ploy when i first read about it 11:44 PM tao is to internet as jonanthan safran foer is to jewishy stuff they gimmick the shit out of it but they do it nicely DJ: I wonder if Tao has made or lost money on Muumuuhouse me: i think i read that he lost money 11:45 PM which is why i think it's great bc it really shows that he cares about literary community like enough to lose money DJ: I think all presses lose money though I pay for PBP out of pocket me: ya true 11:46 PM oh, re my question to u re accesibility i just wanted to say that i really like how easy it is to communicate with tao, i think it brings his literary presence to a whole new sense and i think he should continue communicating with readers even if he gets big and doesn't have to 11:47 PM DJ: oh yes me: it seems like it really creates a more unique sense of the relationship between reader and text via authorship or something DJ: yeah like he is a real person 11:49 PM me: he is a real person with lots of gimmicks and a weird persona about veganism and detachment and stuff and also cares about literature and promotes himself and his friends and seems like maybe he has genius-prolific aspergery qualities that set him apart like an existential, moral-establishing bastard i think that's where i'll end i hope it's too vague 11:50 PM DJ: it may be "Tao Lin, with Shoplifting From American Apparel, brings a level of sarcasm to moments of complete sadness that transcend formal eloquence." 11:51 PM me: "tao lin wrote sfaa to 'milk his bitches' but instead offered an insight that only a truly sincere and careful writer could achieve' *" i think i called it 'the stranger of its time' or something or amazon i feel good thinking that i like albert camus DJ: yes 11:52 PM I will send my review to Tao maybe me: good, yes DJ: will you submit the gchat to tao? me: yes i will put it on my blog and send him the link DJ: ok me: thank u for doing this with me 11:53 PM we had a good talk DJ: thank you for offering me: 'jordan fucking castro' lol DJ: haha

apologies

i.

you underestimate how sorry i feel, i feel sorry all the time

because i stepped all over you and pushed you around

and because i never really cared about you and nobody did

and when your sister died you were all alone

but still i just laughed and stepped all over you

and you became blind and deaf

and when you defecated on yourself we all got mad at you

we didn't have the right, i didn't have the right

ii.

i look at the way things became i think they became that way because of my ego

i want to be really powerful and successful and smart and great

but i see myself as five feet tall and i take that out on you metaphysically

and then sometimes i call myself out on it and then i don't fix it

i'm gonna go do everything i ever said i was gonna do

i'll help you to help me to help you to help me to help myself

because otherwise i'll be more lonely than ever

iii.

i'm sorry i never talked to you again

i wasn't sure how to, i'm still not sure how to

iv.

i feel that i'm wasting all of the money you gave me and it makes me feel bad

i just want you to know that i will try to use it all correctly

but sometimes it just seems better to go to sleep and drink beer

one day i will show you how sorry i really am

v.

i judge you so much, what's all the fuss

vi.

i'm sorry about everything on here and that's been on here and that will ever be anywhere

i'm sorry that my written voice is nothing like my physical voice

i'm sorry about my attempts to unify my written voice and physical voice

i know it's unfair

and i'm sorry that all of my poetry is written in unsent gmail drafts

one day i will fix all the problems in the world, but today is not that day

vii.

i always felt really guilty about that thing i did

to you

quick comments on lorrie moore and 'a gate at the stairs' (also moby!)

i hope that someday i am able to do to lorrie moore the opposite of what i recently did to spike jonze

i feel so incapable of doing her books justice by review, so for now all i can do is praise them and recommend them highly

i just finished her long awaited novel 'a gate at the stairs'

it seems moore writes from a perspective of the transcendent and metaphysical

i wish i could pull out every line from her book and make it my own line

she is the master of ending prose (note especially the end of this book and her o. henry winning story 'people like that are the only people here')

it seems like anybody that reads this blog should read 'a gate at the stairs'

in unrelated news, i feel like everyone i see these days looks like moby, walking home from the library just ten minutes ago i saw ~5 bald men between ~20-30 years wearing black rimmed glasses with light beards

maybe everyone is moby now

does anyone know if lorrie moore is doing a reading in nyc anytime soon?

i put the holes in: a comprehensive review of the spike jonze's 'where the wild things are'

where are the wild things? i honestly don't know. but i can tell you where they weren't: the big screen this weekend. all i saw was a group of emotionally crippled furry cgi animals and an aspergery nine year old.

i had so many complaints with the movie i barely know where to start.

but i'll try my best.

i guess a weak plot was to be expected. there were, remember, only ten sentences in sendak's original text. so spike decided to juice it up, i thought. okay, acceptable. let's see where this goes. well, it goes into a parallel universe where giant animal creatures are in complex monogamous relationships. some are seriously depressed. others incredibly insensitive. others feel as if nobody even listens to them. seriously? if i recall, 'the wild things' were a bunch of 'wild' creatures. they liked to dance and fuck around. not wallow in self pity and complain to one another about their social anxieties and issues with their girlfriends. carol is a wonderfully aggressive creature who takes out all of his problems on his friends but at the same time has a secretly artistic nature. he's a tortured soul i guess. his 'love-interest' we come to know as kw. she is emotionally detached, a young sylvia plath. she spends all her time alone, moping, ignoring her 'friends' and her 'family' basically just trying to find a world for herself. she seems like someone who might 'follow kesey' during the 'acid tests' because nobody 'really understands' her. then there's the couple, ira and judith. they don't really like each other that much and kind of just complain and go along with other people. all these emotionally depraved 'wild thangz' are searching for salvation in their king:

if only lou taylor pucci had been young enough, he would have made the perfect max. it's as if they forced the young actor, max records, to watch thumbsucker over and over again to get down the trademark pucci pout, which he does his best to emulate throughout 90% of his shots. the aggressive, awkward, and sensitively misunderstood actions of max make him a perfect subject for cognitive therapy. he presents all the features of a slightly autistic child. he suffers probably from asperger's syndrome and solves his problems out through physical destruction and screaming. am i supposed to be charmed by this king? am i supposed to empathize with that? his antagonistic actions are common to those of a neglected child, but biting your mother is not a sane way of dealing with things. his angst seems to have been lifted from a mindset of an adolescent, painted over with a pretty face. he ponders his place in the universe and how these 'wild things' project his own problems. i mean, i get it. i understand what jonze is doing here for aesthetic value. but it's just not realistic for a child of nine to experience such 'deeply transcendent' existential thought. note, in the book, all that max learns is that he should be more polite. not how to handle the issues of neglect, divorce, and emotional disturbance. it was just a little too much for me to chew.

also, the scene changes. let me just comment on how disjunct they felt. they felt disjunct. here it is night and max is almost eaten. then it is day all of a sudden and they are dancing. now it is time to sleep though it is day. later in the day we wake up and we walk around and see the island. now we're at a cave. now we're in a desert. now we're in a forest. now everyone's here. no, now it's just carol. jk, now it's max and kw. i would expect more flow than this. i feel i am simply supposed to accept everything thrown at me like it is how the world works. is it a dream sequence? i guess i would be willing to buy it in that case. but there is no other evidence to draw from that this movie is an elongated dream sequence, so i'm left to assume it's not.

also, what's up with those birds bob and terry? why are they mentioned a lot and then put into a scene that makes no sense. and then they are never in the movie again. they don't even make a reappearance for reappearance sake. are they are more product of kw's silent sylvia plath-esque schizophrenia? why do some of the creatures understand them and some don't? why are they in this fucking movie? what are you?

also, what was the deal with carol toward the end? he got all mad and then sad and then happy and then like a little insane. and they pull of that creature's arm? seemed ridiculous.

i will admit some of the cinematography was incredible. there were some great panning shots of beautiful australian landscape. there were even some really good shots of max's face. i think the shots outside the 'wild things landscape' were some of the best. suburbs and snow and all that. nobody will argue that spike jonze has an eye. however, other shots were so weak i don't even understand how they made it through the final cut. some were so choppy and blurry i couldn't discern the picture. please don't tell me that is the point. also, the entire desert dune sequence lost its charm after the third time it was used. another three times and it was just annoying. i get it, there's a lot of environments on the island. jonze ruined one of the best things about the film simply by over-utilizing it. it just seemed lazy.

the soundtrack was good. it was fitting and emotional. i was skeptical of it. but it was good.

the costume design for max was also very good and fitting.

a few more comments. catherine keener, hehe. mark ruffalo screaming, hehe. montage building of the fort scene, hehehehheheheheh.

damn.

overall it just seemed like there were a lot of holes in the movie. they did too much. i wish the characters hadn't all been so autismy and awkward and emotionally fucked up. there's enough movies like that already. and it's a children's movie. an adaptation of a really seriously classic book that has nothing to do with emotional problems. i feel like, there could have been more time spent on a plot. less time spent on dialogue that comes off as forced and improbable. less time on furry relationships. more time on perfecting shots and environments. the film had a lot of potential, but it just comes off as a movie. a marketing ploy to the indie and unresolved pre-adolescent who shops at urban outfitters and loves karen-o and little kids and drawings and the concept of imaginary universes.

i heard a lot of people cried at the end of this movie. i feel like i probably should've, mostly because i spent $13 on it.

maybe i've been too critical. i apologize if i expect more from seven years of production. i may hold too high of expectations. but seriously spike, in the future, stick to other people's music and kaufman's scripts. that is where your success was built and that is where it remains. in regard to the the wild things, i expect you'll never find them.

some things (IMPORTANT)

i was nominated for best dressed of my senior class, i came in second place, after that i didn't dress as well as before

don't you love it when it feels like you're gonna have diarrhea but it comes out 'solid as a rock'

i got phone interviewed yesterday, i felt pretty important for a while

i sent dj berndt an excerpt from my novella that i thought was too sexy, but he didn't seem to think it was too sexy, he liked it

i have an early draft of a new andy riverbed story in my backpack, people should request copies, it seems good

jamie sterns, miles ross, and zachary german reenacted the rave i went to in a youtube video:

til next time, ttyl!

yesterday (and part of today!)

yesterday was totally sweet and totally bloggable

i went to brooklyn and drank some beer with @apathyiscool and @miles_ross

we went to see @S___Elliott read at an apartment on the east river. it seemed like a really sketchy part of town because there were some thugs talking about tasting the rainbow with little kids in a convenient store and there were also a lot of hasidic joose

but it turned out it wasn't sketchy because the apartment was a huge studio with really big windows and a really good view:

i tried smoking a not-mild seven cigarette, but it hurt my lungs a lot

i think we sang a lot of "is this rly wut u want?"

'idk wut 2 do when u look @ me lyke i did sumthin wrong 2 u'

i went back to manhattan and got really good pizza with nico some connecticut bros

then we drank vodka and went to a rave at terminal 5:

i danced with nico for a long time and also alone and with lara and david cha (her bf) and max (my roomy)

after the rave i bought some mucho mango and i drank it on the subway

it was really cold out but we decided we still wanted mcdonalds so we got some, i had mcnuggets

at home i drank some water and fell asleep around 3:49, but i woke up and had to pee at 4:50, but another guy who lives in my suite was using the bathroom to shower and i had an insane headache, so i walked downstairs to the lobby (6 floors) and peed in the lobby bathroom. nobody is up at 4:50 except my korean suite-mate and the security guard in the lobby

i woke up without a hangover, which was sweet, and i gmail chatted a little bit

i'm working on a novella

i'm working on a novella.

it is revolves around four characters who are loosely connected.

the work will be structured as switching focus between characters at any defined "line break."

there will be two male characters and two female characters.

the youngest character dealt with will be 14 at one point. the oldest character dealt with will be 39 ate one point.

it takes place at different times from 2004 to 2010.

among other things, the story will include drug references, phone conversations, arguments, homelessness, and the porn industry.

i expect it will be somewhere between 20-25,000 words.

there is no tentative title at this point :(

*********************************

**EXCLUSIVE EXCERPT**

*********************************

He looked at his phone until it said that Laura had hung up. Then he dropped the phone and pushed his face into his pillow. He walked downstairs and starting boiling water. He looked at his dog. Her face was long and her eyes were dark and sad. He picked her up and spun her around and kissed her face. He tossed her lightly onto the couch. He turned on the TV and watched Seinfeld as the water boiled. He made macaroni and folded American cheese and put the cheese on top of the macaroni. He mixed it together with a wooden spoon. Then sat down on the couch with the pot and ate the macaroni with the wooden spoon. He fed a couple pieces to his dog.

my friend fredrico

my friend fredrico montegleo recently made a twitter

i've known him for a long time, we went to preschool together in boston

after that i lived in south bend, indiana for 7 years

in 2001, my family moved back to the boston area and me and fredrico reconnected

he's probably my oldest friend and he knows everything about me, we talk everyday

he dropped out of high school last year to pursue a career in music. he moved into an apartment in the south end of boston this past spring, and he's been working on cutting an album. i encouraged him to get the word out on the internet, but he's pretty awkward with that kind of stuff and felt weird trying to promote himself. i finally convinced him to make a twitter so that he could promote his music and album as they develop. so far, he hasn't really posted anything relevant to music, but i still think people should consider following him. hopefully me and ethan long (who i've introduced to him due to proximity) can convince him to start a blog for writing and music if this twitter is successful. in any case, i hope people check out his tweets. fredrico is pretty awkward about showing his true intelligent and artistic side, but i really hope it's able to come through this expressive outlet

url is http://twitter.com/stedy_fredy_yo

he's a funny guy, i probably miss him the most out of all my friends back home.

hope everyone's having a killer weekend! ttyl

promotional post

do i have enough traffic and respect to truly promote someone's work?

idk. but i'm gonna try.

two greater writers are on the scene right now with new material.

andy riverbed's 'missed connections and casual encounters' just launched at read some words. if you remember, i reviewed this poetry collection earlier. it is one of my favorite works of internet poetry of all time, and i encourage anybody reading this to please please please check it out now that it's finally available to the public. (photo of andy riverbed on right from google images)

another writer, ethan long, of boston massachusetts is making a name for himself with his new blog 'nobody will ever read this.' at one point a popular ytmnd and 4chan contributor, ethan now takes on serious prose in a 1000 words or less. each post is another story, displaying another facet of the city of boston, written with a harsh realism. ethan's work is seriously engaging, dialogue-based and with a number of interesting characters. for me, it really reminds me of the city i spent the majority of my youth in.

in any case. check out these guys. they're smart and have good work to offer. and stuff.

i am a moth who just wants to share your light

i'll be doing a poetry reading tonight

of radiohead lyrics

alone in my head

and i'll be thinking about you

when i read every word

a bird defecated on my leg while i was reading augustine's 'confessions' in washington square park.

2010

i'm gonna have a poem in pear noir! 3 in january, 2010

i got tickets to see pavement on september 24, 2010

i'm gonna be 20 years old in 2010

new movies by noah baumbach and miranda july in 2010

damn, seems like 2010 is gonna be a sweet year

conceptual poetry

this is a conceptual poem i wrote based partially on the essay "the formalist critics" by cleanth brooks

enjoy

wtf is a blog?

i feel like i've forgotten about my blog lately..

wtf is a baby hedgehog american apparel dog?

w(hy)tf did i make that my url? nobody will ever remember that url..

i miss my blog, i have been so busy in ny, so much homework bros

there are mad things to do here, i feel very excited all the time

i have been drinking lots of coffee and some beer, lots of granola

i will list some of the things i've done that seem cool to me:

i carried a lamp for 20 blocks, i drank sake, i laid in my bed with my face in the air, i laid in my bed with my face in a big red pillow, i wrote a poem, i read 'a gate at the stairs' in the park, i coaxed some squirrels over to me and gave them a leaf, i hung out with my roommate, i played grand theft auto 4, i watched season 2 of scrubs, i watched season 1 of twin peaks, i had sex, i ate tacos, i ate lots and lots of hotdogs, i did the laundry, i went to the bronx zoo and looked at monkeys sleeping and there were apes spooning with each other and it was very cute, i spent time with nico's dad and grandma, i visited my sister and drank some beer and ate italian food, i met up with tim briefly, i drank tequila and ate mcdonalds, i smoked some cigarettes, i held hands on a subway, i put up 'shoplifting from american apparel' stickers, i went to a reading, i went to coney island and fell asleep in the sand listening to old music by the shins, i ate a 760 calorie corndog, i went to an apartment where everyone was lesbian, i left, i ate big sandwiches, i ate chinese food, i had an italian ice on the boardwalk, i talked to my mom on the phone, i spent $103.50 on a textbook, i got up at 8am for a class, i had a meeting, i participated in a psychology experiment, i masturbated, i went to times square alone late at night and ordered a half roast beef sandwich and ate it with mustard and gave an old man mustard who knew everyone at the restaurant, i ran across the street several times, i was rejected from lots of bars, i was offered some ketamine, i fell asleep in the middle of the day, i saw that the sky was red, i looked at the empire state building while eating a pizza, i slept over at nico's, i had nico sleep over at my place, i bought a cupcake, i bought a cookie and some milk and at it, i watched 'megashark vs. giant octopus', i went to ground zero, i talked to a man on the side of the street, i talked to a scottish man on the side of the street, i ignored lots of homeless people, i bought new shoes, i bought new boots, i wore my sunglasses, i thought about kicking a pigeon, i scared nico, i walked home late at night and looked at the ground and listened to loud music on my ipod, i walked home late at night and ran into a huge gang of latinos and crossed the street and looked directly in front of me and did not look back for several blocks, i walked into a gangster and he stared at me and i apologized a lot and he looked really angry, i sat in the fountain at washington square park, i made a couple friends, i lent a friend a book, i got invited to a party, i had tea in somebody's room, i took a shower that hurt my skin a lot, i fell out of bed, i ate sunflower seeds alone in my room looking at a computer screen alone in my room, i smelled weed, i smelled urine, i hurt my back, i bought orthotics, i took some pictures on my phone, i had awkward conversations, i felt busy, i felt like i had nothing to do, i avoided eye contact, i ate a bagel with lox, i dislodged a calcium deposit in the back of my throat, i ate chick-fil-a, i ate indian food, i said 'hi'

today i'm going to philip seymour hoffman's othello, then i'm going to a party in brooklyn

then i'm going to sleep

everything i am right now

i feel like i am the rat that is asleep in the times square subway station at 3 am

i am his sister and his dad who are also asleep

i am his sister and his dad who do not know their relationship to the rat

i am walking through lights at night time, i am eating a sandwich

i am the black teenage boys running through coney island, pushing sand on people's hotdogs with the bottoms of my feet

i am the black teenage girls fucking these teenage boys at night sometimes and in the day sometimes

i am walking through a hallway, using a key to open a door, using a key to open a door, and going to sleep

i am myself looking at myself in the mirror, thinking to myself, 'i do not look hip'

i am the tower at coney island, i am the cyclone at coney island, i am the nathan's by the subway at coney island

i am holding your hand loosely at the beach and at the grocery store, i am asleep at the grocery store

i am asleep at the urban outfitters near your house, i am asleep while i look at the doorman at my sister's house

i am the gun in the pants of the gangster living in brooklyn thinking about killing the boy with the iphone

i am the boy with the iphone, my face is on the pavement, my face is on the operating table, i have lyme disease

i am the girl who sits downstairs alone and looks at the boy wishing he didn't hate her

i am the boy, i hate her, she knows this, i think she follows me or something, i will make jokes about her

i am the cigarette that i smoked in washington square park, i am the pavement where the cigarette landed

i am the trash-can where the cigarette was swept into, i am the garbage pile in new jersey where the cigarette is asleep

i am asleep in washington square park, i am asleep in union square park, i am asleep on the q train

i am walking from the q train to my room, i am in my room, i am looking at my computer

i am the cellphone, fuck me

i am the genitals, don't fuck me, ever

i am asleep at the front desk, i am in trouble at the front desk, i am flake music, the music in the ipod

i am flake music, i am the shins, i am james mercer, i am not asleep anywhere

i am your sister's sexuality, i am your sister's libido, i am your sister's developing breasts

i am the double-decker roast beef sandwich, love me

i am the keys, i am the key with the duct tape on it, i am the key without the duct tape, we open different doors

i am asleep in my bed, i am asleep in my sister's apartment, i am asleep in massachusetts, i am hungry in massachusetts

i am the fat-flap of your stomach and your nipples, i am the underwear from filene's basement

forget me

now i live in new york

i don't live in massachusetts anymore

notes on moving

i'm moving tomorrow to new york city.

i have several thousand dollars saved. i don't think i'll be living in massachusetts again.

i am having tiny existential breakdowns now that i can feel the actual presence of moving. i have lived in massachusetts for eight years. before that i lived in indiana for seven years. and before that i lived in massachusetts for three and a half years. i have never lived in the city. i spent a lot of time in new york last year visiting nico. i have a good feel of the village i think and the subway system from china town to midtown. my sister and my brother-in-law live in murray hill so i feel i can always feel comfortable with them if i freak out. nico lives near union square and i feel we will have dinners and sleepovers on a regular basis. i have another friend lara who lives downtown. i feel this is a safe number of people to know.

i did not think i would feel nervous about moving. i am starting to feel nervous about moving.

soon i will try to go to sleep. i expect this will take many hours. tomorrow i will wake up, check the things i have packed one more time. i will leave for new york at approximately 11:00 am. i will be staying at my sister's apartment for one night. today is her birthday. happy birthday leah. we will drink and eat dinner for her birthday. then i will sleep either on her couch or on the floor. i expect i will wake sunday up at 5:30 am and then we will bring my stuff down to the village. i expect moving in will be stressful and exhausting. i hope it is not hot out sunday.

i have nine days after i move in before classes start.

i am trying to think very concretely and step-wise about moving in order to maintain a calm and efficient approach. i am very excited about moving, but i feel i am still approaching bouts of nervousness. i am afraid of being nervous. i am trying to maintain control.

i feel i will end up really missing my dog.

which is whole

we drove down to the river

we took off our shoes and shirts

we ate sandwiches and sat on blankets

we waded into the waters

we saw the crayfish running around in the water

we jumped around looking at the crayfish

we put our hands in the water, but they were too slow

we took turkey from our sandwiches and put it in the water

the crayfish attacked the turkey with their claws and mouths

we caught the crayfish in a bowl

we caught a small one and a large one

we watched them in the bowl and fed them turkey

we got bored and waded into the waters

we picked up black mud

we floated a little

we stepped on rocks and there were bugs landing everywhere

we hooted at the sky

we hooted at little kids

we beached ourselves on the river's shore

we set the crayfish free

--

at petco i saw more crayfish

i saw some mice

i saw some eel

i saw some beta fish

i saw a feret

i saw some parakeets

i saw a snake

and it was shedding its skin

i am carles.

r u carles?

http://www.iamcarles.com

i bought the 'i am carles.' shirt

i am branding myself for life in new york city

i am moving in nine days to new york

gustaf 3 was released today in oslo, norway

it says in gustaf 3 that i live in new york

on cape cod i ate lobster, crab, steak, and flounder

i drank arizona iced tea, beer, and water

i slept in an air conditioned hotel, i felt like a real king

i went to a gay pride carnival parade in provincetown

i fell asleep listening to sparklehorse

i watched bottle rocket on my computer

i read othello

i watched 'cash cab' with my mom

i went swimming and saw seals

the seals were 600 pound females

they were smiling and they howled

it sounded like six harmonizing coyotes

a lot of things going on

there are a lot of things going on

i'm not exactly sure what i'm supposed to be doing right now

i finished my job the other day. i've been sitting around a lot lately. i called my boss a couple days ago to ask for a check and he sort of asked me out on a date or something. i felt weird, it was funny

saturday i bought mcsweeney's 30 and read michael cera's story on the subway. it was funny, i was impressed and happy when i read it. there were hipsters on the subway dancing to music. they were 16 years old i think and we kept transferring to the same trains and it was making me nervous. i got an indian yogurt shrimp chaat bowl and garlic naan and ate it alone in harvard square. it was very hot outside and i looked around and looked through every bookstore and stole a 2002 edition of the manhattan review which featured 'new russian poetry'

i made a promotional picture for 'shoplifting from american apparel'

i drank a lot of beer and ate a lot of junk food one night and it seriously fucked up my taste buds the next day and i felt really nervous and arizona iced tea still tastes kind of weird

my roommate and i have been talking a lot lately. i'm excited for school

i submitted to pear noir, read some words, bear creek feed, and mcsweeney's online. i got rejected from mcsweeney's online. i feel a major web publication is necessary in the next 2-3 months if i'm going to progress as a blogger

somebody added me to the 'poetry' preference on stumbleupon. hits have increased. i'm not sure how to check my web-ratings for stumblers

i ordered an 'i am carles' t-shirt

i bought 'blue velvet' and 'mulholland dr.' and saw 'district 9', so sweet

today i went to a reservoir and walked through the woods with my friend and this other kid. we hopped a fence and got cut up and ran through a lot of tall grass and brambles and went to this old quarry. it was big and deep and pretty beautiful. the other kid said there was live dynamite in the quarry's water. we through rocks over the quarry. then we went back over the fence and went swimming in the reservoir. we walked through a lot of poison ivy,i'm nervous now

i want to start working on a long-short-story/possible novella. it would be based around a relationship between a boy and girl (each b.~1990). i need to storyboard it thoroughly. it would be severely autobiographical, centered around events taking place between august 2007 and may 2009. i have begun work on this story in the past, but have not followed through. i think this will be the story i work on during first semester

i am not sure about the direction of this blog. will i just post poems and weird updates and reviews. will i develop a gimmick or serious, obvious direction. will i maybe one day have enough publications circulating that i can use this as simply a publication update blog

i'm going to cape cod with my parents for a few days this week. they want me to bike with them and eat lobster

i still have trouble knowing that i missed out on taking a class taught by jonathan safran foer because of laziness. it makes me want to crawl into bed. and go to sleep

confessions of a junky with a tumor: a comprehensive review of andy riverbed's 'missed connections & casual encounters'

a couple weeks ago i received an email from a depressed/possibly frantic andy riverbed. attached was a collection of poetry he had recently compiled. he told me he thought i might enjoy it. up to this point i'd never had any correspondence with andy. i'd read his name occasionally commenting on blogs i frequent, but had never addressed him or even viewed his blog. i liked how his email reached out to me (and complimented me on my review of 'russia') so i decided to give it a shot and read the collection. i had a five hour bus ride to fill anyway.

the collection surprised me. i had never seen anything like it. it was described as poems 'originally posted (some in slightly different form) on gainsville, florida's craigslist page, in the missed connections and casual encounters forums between the dates of july 15th to july 25th 2009.' it included all text, comments, and images from the the various craigslist pages, 'used without permission.'

it was hilarious. the premise, poem's ideas, the format, the responses. truly i had not seen such an original and enjoyable internet literary venture in a very long time.

the collection is split into two parts, 'missed connections' and 'casual encounters' respectively.

here i will do my best to gauge my original reactions and feelings on each poem of the collection:

'missed connections'

this is the title of section #1. to me, i think, 'missed connections' means, wanting to get back something that had an effect on you. these poems are less funny.

'loose'

this is about getting with someone or something by chance/accident. mind altering drugs. depressants having an effect on the actions taken in such a moment. this poem is funny to me because it talks about food and drugs and is called 'loose.' this seems like something somebody might sheepishly reflect upon if they had more self-worth. seems sexual.

'o.d.b. collecting food stamps'

this is my favorite poem in 'missed connections.' immediately the image is hilarious. damn. can't believe he's dead. nico told me she was upset when he died. this is funny to me; right away i am laughing. this poem starts out discussing drug use and trying to make money without directly working. this moves into introspection, which moves into a past relationship. this poem is funny because of the things it discusses such as making a fool of one's self and the merit of art, but this poem is also very sad. i remember feeling pretty moved by this poem. the use of subtle flow into the subconscious is extremely powerful. the past relationship represents the center of the funnel of the mind. there is a thought in all of us in which all things revert to. for example if that thought is about the death of a loved one, you could be thinking about eating cheetos and your brain would eventually connect that to the death of that loved one. this poem presents that sensation.

'death by assassination'

this poem is about the things we want to accomplish for ourselves. it does not discuss the road to accomplishment. it does not discuss the incentive for these goals. it presents only the desire/need to accomplish these goals as they relate to a relationship. i feel like i can seriously relate to the ideas behind this poem. this poem seems extremely significant to me right now. also it is funny because of the things the speaker/persona wants in life (i.e. be a revolutionary/death by assassination/courage).

'a ferret with fleas'

this poem is about the itch of love, loathing, angst, desire, self-deprecation. to me it reflects upon the overwhelming state of infatuation/love/introspection and its effect on one's brain and art. i have experienced the 'itch' of 'a ferret with fleas.' i think this is a relatable statement. i think this itch is universal and is expressed as such through the poem.

'being a citizen'

this poem is about the guilt we experience associated with our choices to live for ourselves versus the choices to live for those who share a background/common heritage/similar incentive as ourselves. i like it, but this poem was extremely sad for me to read. suffering is projected several times. damn.

'i won a court settlement'

this poem is written in the point-of-view of a tumor which has been separated from the body of its host. the tumor feels dejected, lonely, and promises not to harm the body, but just wants to be near it. this poem is funny because it is about a tumor wanting to be back in the body and to be benign. however, a tumor is too dangerous to keep around. it lives off the host, and though benign, it can still be a tentative threat. this poem offers a view from the spirit of the dejected. things are difficult when one is the dejected. loneliness, sorrow, confusion, disfiguration. however, this is a reason why the 'dejected' was in fact dejected. we see the ailing of this tumor, but see only one view, which reflects in us but does not necessarily change our opinion that this tumor's existence was reason enough for removal.

'my bandmate and i'

i can pretty much honestly say that i don't completely 'get' this poem. i like the elliott smith reference for the second time in the collection and i like the reference of 'gator-attire.' i think the poem is about irrational thought and action in pursuit of love/drugs. it feels intense.

'happy birthday, mama'

this poem is about lazy betrayal (of self and of loved one). being inconsiderate. hating one's self silently. wanting to get back something that had an effect on you. mother.

'casual encounters'

this is the title of section #2. to me, i think, 'casual encounters' means wanting to fulfill some spontaneous idea or desire. often sex. these poems are more funny.

'the softness of my interior'

this poem is about a transexual wanting to meet up, get drunk, and have someone really discover the softness that exists on his/her insides. this is immediately hilarious because 'insides' implies not only the emotional/psychological/metaphysical but also the sexual. haha. transexual insides. haha. this poem is made better by its inclusion of responses. three gainsville men responded to hook up with this mysterious transexual. they seemed intrigued/excited. sexually. good, funny way to start section #2.

'who's taking you to buy groceries?'

his poem reveals the manipulative and distressing characteristics of a female student. this poem is funny because it seems to reflect upon the experiences of the writer in conjunction with the insane and obnoxious actions of this particular female. this is insecure and suspicious and distressed but plays the coy and manipulative card of the person in charge of the relationship. this reveals the struggles of one's mind in trying to control a relationship/one's sexuality/one's desirability. it is difficult to explain the nuances of this poem, but it is extremely well written and portrays a seriously diffident and vulnerable psyche masked by the strains of society/pressure to maintain a relationship. the poem is made funny by the numerous hook-up comments of men, including shirtless photographs and a phone number, which riverbed has censored out of 'consideration.' this is possibly my favorite poem in 'casual encounters.'

'an ambassador from a european country'

this poem was simply funny for me. it's about an ambassador looking to do drugs and have sex with somebody. it's funny that this was actually on craigslist. as a poem, i have no real comments. it was just funny for me.

'baby bear'

another poem that initially gauges a humorous response. about a black boxer who is planning his comeback, ll cool j in his head as he shadow-boxes. in seriousness, though, this poem is very good. i think one thing to definitely comment on this poem is its structure. it feels raw. it moves around like the brain, much in the same way as 'o.d.b...' it presents heavy imagery and a deep-rooted plot in just a few lines. it really distinguishes itself as a poem and establishes a character in a strange and dark and funny way. i didn't really expect this. i didn't really expect myself to analyze this so seriously, but damn. this poem works.

'driving out of town'

this poem is about a disturbed and distracted individual who is looking for a release in his pleasure center. the whole thing seems psychological, sexual, despairing, demonstrative. i don't know. it is about exploiting one's self possibly, but carelessly in order to receive momentary something he wants. two girls left pictures and proposals in the comments of this post.

'emailing from a public library'

this poem is sick. in a funny way.

'moving to a one bedroom'

what this poem accomplishes is truly hilarious. it seems to reflect one the speaker's past, while offering a sexual proposal from this three-foot tall 'voluptuous' female. there are seven following responses from men looking to get with this fictional sexual 'midget.' one bald-pictured man, so desperate and lonesome and hopeful to get with this lady, leaves a tell-all, 'most embarrassing' story in order to catch the attention and humor of this broad. this poem displays the power of words and craigslist and their effects on one's emotional and sexual advances. the lengths to which men would go to get with this girl seem funny. three of the seven men posted pictures in order to increase their chances in a 'casual encounter.'

'my love of football'

this poem is funny because it displays a sexual proposal of a tough, fraternity football bro, wanting to get with a female. this is counteracted with the subtle addition of a homosexual tendency. made funnier by overall lack of understanding, it seems, by gainesville's craigslist ladies. one female responder left a nude photograph. this seems insane and ridiculous. as i neared the end of this poetry collection i felt insane thinking about craigslist/the internet/poetry/words/its effects on these ridiculous people/how funny this was.

'holding your best friend's hand'

this poem is also about the fucked up actions of females in a relationship. this seems like an overall trend of riverbed's in the collection. it is about a girl with serious issues/insecurities leaving one for his best friend. our bald hero with the tell-all tale from 'moving to a one bedroom' returns in this poem, fooled and embarrassed: 'i like your poem -- do you happen to know any voluptuously-breasted three foot tall midgets who wear shiny clothes to attract their attention? i think you two would get along.' this is one of the pinnacles of the collection. riverbed's experiment has been found out by this man. this is hilarious.

'i'm never late for my obligations'

this final poem seems to sum up a lot of the themes seen throughout the collection: weak relationships, traveling, stranger interaction, drug use, and desperation. it seems to sum up most of the poems/ideas/sacrifices riverbed's characters have projected. the final line (and the title) 'i'm never late for my obligations' creates a sense of genuineness. these poems/these emotions/these characters all feel like they come from an extremely genuine place for me. and that's what poetry is about. this collection utilizes lots of jokes/gimmicks/reoccurring themes and they all seem to come from a very real place.

'missed connections & casual encounters' was a collection of poetry i could never have found except through a chance like this one. it is truly original, free-thinking, smart, funny writing. andy riverbed writes from a sense of dark ingenuity.

i really hope this review sparks interest in the collection, and i hope it gets published.

if you're interested in more information on the collection or to read the collection, email andy riverbed at andy.riverbed@yahoo.com. he is very nice and accommodating and will probably email you the file of the collection. i can only see him not doing this if you are a dick. really, i don't know, though. we have not communicated much. give it a shot.

'missed connections & casual encounters'

damn.

blogging about things other than literature/music/media

in three weeks i'm moving to new york

i feel extremely tired right now thinking about massachusetts

received 'shoplifting from american

apparel' stickers yesterday

i'm thinking about planning to 'vandalize' new haven/new york american apparels

i'm thinking about how a year ago i embarked on a trip to nova scotia with my grandfather. i submitted a story about that trip to mcsweeney's two or three months ago. looking back on that trip i feel like i learned nothing

today the sky is gray and dark and my windows are closed and i'm under my covers

i don't think i'm feeling depressed at all really though

just very tired

when i think about the times i've thrown up after drinking too quickly, i feel retarded

today i'm going to read from miranda july and lydia davis

and i'm going to order my brother-in-law a subscription to the economist as a wedding present

and i'm maybe going to order myself a subscription to mcsweeney's

and i'm maybe going to go see a movie in a movie theater

but in reality there's probably no way that i'm going to do all those things, i just like to feel ambitious

because i was supposed to get indian food with abhi today, but we were too tired

the morning was a dangerous thing to waste

sitting on the fung wah bus from new york to boston in the pouring rain

try not to cry at the end of a sad movie if there are people around you

try to hold hands as much as you can

try to walk down the street with your back straight

try to save something important forever until you die

i am sorry for everything i will do in the future

i am sorry for all the money that i will never make

i sat in the met and went to the bathroom and looked at a self portrait

i sat in an expensive restaurant eating fish and feeling nervous

i need more tall buildings, i’m afraid of things not coming true

everything in the world will come true

i need everything in the world to come true in order to keep sane

i sat in an expansive rest eating eggs and feeling good

try not to eat something that might make you feel sick

try not to get too cold

look over the bridge

there is a massive cemetery in queens

sitting on the fung wah bus from boston to new york in the pouring rain

this summer is lasting like an old man dehydrated

we sat down and watched a movie; i sat down and watched a movie

it was wet outside and there wasn’t any sun

and i fell asleep for several weeks before waking up

i want to place the inside of my face on your face and end this summer

yesterday i sweat through my shirt

i watched the tonight show and then stayed up nursing my back

rubbing it with my right hand and extending my shoulder

back and forth and back

and forth

and forced the corner of a wall between my shoulder blades

pressure, under pressure, i’m going to listen to david bowie now

this music is pushing into my head and making me feel calm

at the farm i looked at myself in the mirror

whenever i get drunk i look at myself and think hateful things

things are neverending in a certain sense but overall i just deleted something here

i can see cops pulling people over

cops get serious in the rain, i’ve seen serious cops in the rain

in nova scotia i sat around and wrote in a journal which i reread later

i am a terrible person when i’m isolated in another country

i drank white russians and house beers and ate lobster and couldn’t sleep

then you left

i am taken when i think about the passing of time

a year ago i said we could be in the same city in a year and you said but that’s a long time

and now we’re a year later, i am serious i am going to eat french fries when we stop at mcdonald’s

everywhere i look is a traffic jam, i have dvds to watch and birds of america

and i have a cellphone and i have dinner reservations with my sister

i have distortions, i have david bowie,

and i’ve got you

in my bag somewhere

i don't mean anything i say: a comprehensive review of the mystery books' 'russia'

a couple months ago i emailed boom.doctor.doctor@gmail.com asking how i could buy/download the album an album called 'russia' by a band called 'the mystery books.' the download website was not working. i got a reply by someone named riley. he told me 'the free download site went under. proof that everything is going under.' i thought this was funny and depressing and i was excited when he told me he would send me a cd in the mail if i sent my address.

some time passed. i completely forgot about our exchange.

then, last friday, i received a package in the mail. it included a cd copy of 'russia', a sticker, and a letter explaining the delay and saying other personable, nice things.

i emailed 'riley' again to thank him and found out that he was actually joseph moore, a musician and muumuu published poet.

in the car, soon after, i listened to the album, experiencing a number of emotions and connections within the 23.7 minutes of wittily morose lyrics and the lo-fi acoustics. i was severely taken by the bowed bass, which seem to seep into the songs, creating sentimental and empathetic listener responses. i felt myself falling into places i'd been before, time and again, feeling a sensory memory through music. depressing, yet light, the words felt like drops of water on my face. the album is pure poetry. the focus leaves the instruments, its minimalistic approach having an emphasizing effect.

this is difficult to explain. the album requires listening in order to truly generate such reaction.

i will try here, though, to explain my feelings behind each of these songs and their connection to the album on a whole.

'russia'

i am hereby analyzing the title of the album. russia is a place that is cold and mostly baren. it has a dark and deluded history. nobody knows how many people were killed under stalin's regime. there were no records taken and no means for caring. false prophets, self-serving political agendas, and physical isolation wrought the country during the 20th century. people became careful, tired, nervous. they are accepting of their government and its problems. just this past year, putin, whose time as president had expired, continued to rule the state without serious protest. secrecy, cold, i don't know how much further i can truly go with this, but the point is, russia represents a depressing, reclusive, vast and encumbered concept.

'snow leopards'

i think the first track 'snow leopards' sounds like the happiest song on the album. it seems nice at first and about a relationship. i like it because it talks about dreaming and being happy to think of somebody. the second verse is about depressive realization and then confusion and then acceptance of these things. the song moves into things about relationship problems and things that happened in the past and now dealing with them, but not really dealing with them, just trying to live, but not really just trying to live, just living, and not fruitfully. just moving around. and when you're asleep it's okay, because you don't actually have to do anything because things happen to you. 'and i can't change or fix/the things that i create/and those things that creat me/i will become obsessed with my dreams/that i dream at night/last night was a very good night/for dreaming.'

'that night with the green sky'

the words of this song are from tao lin's you are a little bit happier than i am. this book of poetry seems extremely relevant and funny and sad and great for people of 'generation y,' concerning existence, relationships, depression and value in general. this poem is about a relationship kind of and about trying to figure out what two people who like each other 'a lot or maybe even love' each other should do. the best thing about this song is the bass. the bass reminds me a lot of the bass in the violent femmes' first album. it is twangy and funny and a little off pace, but in a charming and perfect way. joseph voices tao's poem in a way you'd never hear tao read it, and it brings incredible depth and versatility to the writing and the music. there is a beautiful entry of bowed bass toward the end of the song that fits perfectly with the words. 'but how could that cause me to vanish from the earth/and that hurts/why did you want me gone/that hurts/why?'

'high hills'

this is the shortest song on the album. i really like the fast bass bowing. it makes the song seem fun and poppy. i like how it is about nature and animals and the outside. i don't have a lot a lot to say about this song, but i enjoy it. 'i want to be up there with them/watch as the cars/drive by/so slowly.'

'utterly confused'

this song has definite mass-appeal-ability. the use of simple organ under guitar and backed with the bass creates a real groove i think. i think it's funny that this song made me think of the word groove. the real strength behind this song is its lyrics. i've seen other websites quote these lyrics when trying to describe the mystery books to an audience. the lyrics are extremely depressing but are countered by the happy, poppy instrumentals. for some reason i think of the office theme song and belle and sebastian when i listen to this song. the lyrics express a beautiful sentiment. i am going to quote all the best parts. 'a whole life in search of you/and i don't exactly who you are/a whole life spent following you/and i'm not exactly sure why.' this is about love kind of. there's no reason for love really. it makes you follow someone blindly. it does. and it's good, it feels good. 'a whole life/spent in the dark/and i don't remember what the daylight feels like/a whole life spent crying/and i'm not sure why/i found myself/lying on my back looking up at nothing/in a hot, dark room in the middle of the day/today/i felt utterly confused.' this is about when you're severely depressed and you spend all your time under your covers and you don't remember what it's like to be happy and it's irrelevant. this might be the best song on the album. it reminds me of myself and a lot of people i know sort of. and it makes me feel happy actually.

'giant trees'

this song is simple. it is a simple song about being depressed. it reminds me of everyone's experience with depression. it's less personal. it's a more general experience of loneliness, angst, curiosity, hope, but not really hope. 'it's so hard to be alive/why must i over-analyze.'

'the day we went and saw john cage'

there are four different parts in this song, it's cool. i like the transitions. i like this song because it's a personal recollection. i love personal recollection poetry. i really like the bass accompaniment and the three-chord guitar used from 0:43 to 1:23 and then the transition at that point. there is a description of where they went to see john cage and it's emblematic of something that we're not necessarily to understand or ever know. i like how the song is stated to be written to someone. i like song's where you are not included but stand on the peripheries and do your best to get involved and listen to the story. i wish i went to see john cage but didn't. i like the mystery books a lot in this moment. 'i want to write you a song that says/"i love you"/but that's something that i can't do/at least the house will look bright from the street/that you will probably never see.'

'nothings changed'

this song is about giving up. completely. i feel this song. it's about losing your grasp. on reality maybe or maybe just on yourself. there is perfect string composition. there is perfect detachment and disability. it is a smart song. 'all my friends are dropping like flies/and i won't catch them because i want to watch them die/i don't mean anything i say.'

'i am full of living things'

this song is about going out alone and doing something that makes you '[feel] alive.' it is about being out alone somewhere new. and questioning yourself and the world and feeling a lot of emotions at once and thinking it's sad and funny and you just want to hold someone but you just want to be alone at the same time. i'm not sure if that's right but it feels right. the guitar is perfect in this song i think. i really want to say more about this song but i can't. it hits me somewhere that is not really easy to explain. a lot of this album does. that's important. this is the last song and that's important. this also might be the best song on the album. 'i am certain that i'm full of living things/more living things than dead things/but lately i've been sleeping/and i feel so out of it now/i am standing on neutral grounds.'

for more multimedia mystery books experience, visit the mystery books' myspace.

here is the video for 'that night with the green sky'

here is the video for 'utterly confused'

this album is good.

this album is good for people who have been severely depressed at one time and spent all their time in their room wanting to be better but not really trying, just wanting and then not wanting, just spending time in their room on the computer or with the covers pulled over their heads, but now aren't as depressed as they were then.

*this review was fun to do, but while i was writing it i kept thinking 'this is hard to explain.' you really should just email riley/joseph (boom.doctor.doctor@gmail.com) and get this album. it's free.

lorrie moore

"love is perennial as the grass!"

i grind my teeth sometimes when i'm asleep

there is nothing coming into my head

my head is empty

there are particles in the air that are unmeasurable

i can tell

i want to write a poem for you that is 1000 words long

and about love

this could be the best day of my life if i wanted it to be

i can tell

i burned my eyes looking at the fire

there was smoke in my face and beer in my stomach

you were sitting on my lap

and then you weren't

i was looking at you in bed

by the way my arm just fell off

i wrote a poem on your shower

and then i erased it

garden state: a masterpiece of indie

garden state might be considered the first mass-appeal indie film

it paved the way for many mass-appeal indie movies to come, including the science of sleep, juno, away we go, and every movie starring lou taylor pucci

it was the first 'indie' movie i ever saw (, and i have seen it more times than any other movie, i think (save annie hall))

it was the summer of my freshman year of high school

i was sad and funny and had little interest in things indie (music, movies, art, literature)

it had an extraordinary effect on how i viewed the aesthetic world/relationships/music/film in general as a fourteen year old, and still can resonate in regard to those subjects

i watched it tonight for the first time in ~a year and realized how groundbreaking it was to the indie genre

here is a list of indie cliche's utilized/coined by garden state:

- title that does not convey meaning of film but perhaps comments on something else

- soundtrack featuring only up and coming indie bands or relevant folk musicians from the '60s

- quiet, extremely detached, extremely depressed protagonist

- protagonist who seems strangely calm in terrifying situations

- use of death without cogent explanation

- shitty job with asshole-ish customers and boss

- use of travel

- awkward funeral

- awkward interaction with parent('s friends)

- quirky visuals

- shitty home town with underachieving friends from the past

- cool, unique means of transportation

- funny drug/job references

- use of drugs in a casual, nonchalant setting, but refusal of hard drugs by protagonist specifically

- scenes where protagonist sits motionless/expressionless while surrounding characters engage in movement/activities

- funny hangover/wake-up moments

- interaction with people with insufficient amounts of money and little ambition

- quirky interaction between two strangers who are attracted to one another

- introduction of a soon to be mass-appeal indie band

- funny, chill doctor who makes light of a situation and mentions own problems

- silly drawings with permanent marker

- love interest with girl with quirky problems

- extremely quirky conversation

- interaction with people with superfluous amounts of money and little ambition

- ridiculous images of home life

- use of jews

- acting completely unique and careless and individual for the sake of life affirmation

- wardrobe conveying carelessness, ambiguity, and timelessness

- quirky vhs/home video viewing

- quirky/funny one liners moving into serious, life affirming one liners as movie progresses

- nontraditionally attractive actors

- awkward sexy scenes

- phallic imagery

- intense and horrific events from childhood explaining issues in adulthood

- use of effective mainstream-ish/indie cameo

- use of natural phenomenon/scenery/beautiful landscape as a metaphor

- underground societies/experiences

- funny/quirky/epic gestures as a metaphor

- falling in love through a sequence of ephemeral, yet meaningful, experiences

- serious/emotional/life-changing sex with new love interest

- inability to cry/express emotion to the one you love overcome

- life affirming realization and recognition of realization and expression of realization in context with a relationship

- living in the moment and making a significant speech to love interest

- use of extremely open ending

- use of imogen heap

crispin best

today is crispin best's birthday.

happy birthday crispin best.

with a name like crispin best, you'd probably think you're the best.

he's the best.

he is.

he's crispin best.

he's crispy. the best.

i first corresponded with crispin best when i submitted to for every year.

he was nice, easy to work with, complimentary, efficient, and aesthetically pleasing.

we communicated on blogspot through comments.

i participated in his 'move trivia' blogs. i received a gift once; it was funny.

i put him in my sidebar thing. he put me in his sidebar thing.

crispin is a funny guy. he blogs about funny things.

crispin best is a good guy.

it's his birthday. comment on his blog and things and stuff.

crispin wrote an ebook called go ninja go ninja go, which i once called 'probably the best literature concerning the teenage mutant ninja turtles since the back description of the secret of ooze vhs.'

support crispin's writing and art and blog and crispin.

happy birthday crispin.

pangur ban print

it's official

the first ever pangur ban party print IS NOW AVAILABLE

it is called 'doubts i love'

it was designed, printed, and distributed by dj berdnt, the master behind the pbp website and a new wildebeest writing contest with jillian clark

the chapbook print features up and coming internet writers

including crispin best, chris east, ryan manning, kristen shaw, adam showalter, glen binger, adam coates, me, jillian and dj

i heard it's really well stapled

45 copies will be made available to the public for FREE order (deejberndt@gmail.com) and another 30 will be distributed manually by the featured writers

stayed tuned with dj's blog for information yet to come

and good luck nursing your hangovers

i have information that is funny and possibly valuable to some people and i want a press website to read this blog and interview me and pay me for it

i went to see tao and brandon read at brookline booksmith

brandon read 'jeffery' and tao read the beginning of 'shoplifting'

and afterwards i thought 'i should go home and blog about this immediately'

because i recieved information that is funny and possibly valuable to some people

the 'information' is that: " 'carles' is tao lin "*

i feel like my blog has little trafficking and this message may not get out very quickly

this is funny to me

i have been laughing all night but mostly in my head

it is making the sound 'hahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahaha' in my head right now, but my face is calm and natural and 'socially acceptable' and that is the name of a poem that is going to be in gustaf 3, which is a magazine, which i hope will contact me soon because i feel like possibly they are not going to publish the stuff by me that they accepted and emailed me about and said they were going to publish in august but have not contacted me since and i am feeling nervous about it mostly because word riot said they were going publish stuff by me a long time ago and never did and i doubt they will and i find it funny that it still says '[forthcoming]' on my sidebar

i feel like i am blogging at 'warp speed' right now

i have not written or submitted any poetry in ~3 weeks, except for that one long poem below, which i will never submit ever probably

i have been working on a short story, called 'assonance' and i finished the first draft and it is 6779 words. it will probably increase/decrease ~300 words when it is completely finished, and i will probably submit it to 10 different online magazines/print magazines and i will probably never get a reply, like i did with my last story which was ~7500 words and lives lonely in my 'documents' folder and doesn't ever really get looked at anymore but sits anticipatory in some metaphorical 'email pile' in mcsweeny's somewhere

here is an excerpt from 'assonance' that exists so that if trafficking increases due to this post somebody can read it and 'pick it up' and make me 'internet famous':

"Abhi stopped by an Internet café on his way home. Inside there were kids playing World of Warcraft. One kid said something fast in Marathi and laughed. Another said “fuck shit up!” loudly in English. Nobody seemed to notice.

He sat down on a stool and turned on a big, white iMac. The screen was vast and panning. He looked at it intensely and hopelessly. He stood up, walked away for a moment and ordered a large black tea with milk at the counter. He sipped it quickly, burning the roof of his mouth as he made his way back to his stool. When he returned, he found that a young girl had taken his spot. She was beautiful with a light brown complexion. He looked at his tea. They were the same color. She had a beauty mark above her lip on the left side. She wore red lipstick and a red sari. She was probably about seventeen years old. She had a pen in her right hand, which she was dangling next to her lips. Chewing on it every so often. She was beautiful. Abhi felt that he should go talk to her. He could use the fact that she took his seat as an opener. She would speak English perfectly and she would apologize. He would say it was alright and that he didn’t actually care and she would buy him a cookie and they would share the computer and show each other their emails and Facebook accounts. He would make her laugh and she would laugh coolly and beautifully and when she laughed she would place her hand on his forearm ever so slightly. He would ask her if she was hungry and they would go out and get dumplings and then they would go to the park to eat them. In the park he would tell her all about his trip and how he felt alienated and confused returning to Mumbai and how he’d left this morning without telling anyone and how his family was probably getting up around then. She would say that he should go to them and he would say no and she would say that was good because she’d wanted him to stay. They’d finish their dumplings and feel well filled and they would lie in the grass looking up at the sky as the sun continued to breach. He would tell her that he was very lucky to have had her steal his computer and she would say she was lucky that he’d talked to her. He would touch her left cheek with his right hand and she would exhale with a shudder and their faces would connect. And it would be electric. And then she would say her parents were at work and she didn’t have to go to work today and she would say that he should come see her house. And her house would be small and warm and beautifully decorated. And they’d sit down on her bed and kiss again. And then they would move from sitting to lying. And then. Abhi felt that he was getting an erection.

He walked away and found a different computer on the other side of the café."

this story feels 'extremely' illegal because i stole essentially everything in it from somewhere else, i think. i stole structures, styles, and overall themes from the following works, i think, and probably more: honored guest by joy williams, you shall know our velocity! by dave eggers, chilly scenes of winter by ann beattie, and during my nervous breakdown i want to have a biographer present by brandon scott gorrell. i also stole the main events and ideas from a gmail chat with abhinav gupta a few weeks ago

i bought a candy bar off tao

it rained and hailed at work and i was the only one on and the roof started to sink in and leak and i called nico and laughed but was actually nervous

my street 'flash-flooded'

i want to post this quote by lorrie moore from anagrams:

"I missed him. Love, I realized, was something your spine memorized. There was nothing you could do about that.

From across the hall I could hear Gerard's phone ring, and I would listen and wait for him to pick it up and speak into it. The words were always muffled. Sometimes I could hear him laugh, as if he were quite ready to be happy again. A few times when he stayed out all night, his phone rang until three in the morning."

my car alarm went off when i unlocked my car

i'm going to push my head into a pillow now and watch online television until nico calls or i fall asleep

* *update* tao was wearing an 'i am carles' shirt' at the reading. i can only infer that this made him carles at that time. whether or not tao is 'carles' when he is not wearing the shirt is hard to say. i am not sure that tao is 'actually' carles all the time *update*